i have felt like a disappointment for my family for as long as i can remember. at firt it really hurt to think i could never really acheive what they expected me to acheive. now i am just kind of used to it i guess.
whats been hurting more lately has been the feeling of disappointing myself.
im losing myself again. it feels familiar yet so different.
ive been trying my fucking best to keep it at under control when in reality i just want to lash out. i did lash out. i felt really disappointment to have thrown such big effort to waste.
it hurts. to wake up. to breathe. to exist. my brain is imploding. all my nervous system is letting me down. i am so fucking confused about everything; about me, my actions, my relationships, about whats going on in my head. i dont know what to do about it anymore. i mean, i am stuck with this until i die, or until they find a cure to this stupid chemical imbalance of mine.
i want it all to end. i wouldnt necessarily purposely end my life. but i wouldnt try to hang onto life if i was in the position to ever let go of the sorrow.
i wonder what it'd be like. death. peaceful, im guessing. im imagining it feels like walking on a cloud, surrounding the living without ever being noticed or have to bother managing anything. i wonder if it ever gets lonely on the other side.
i picture death to be just a big black hole sometimes. i dont think people ever even notice theyre dead. im pretty sure you just evaporate into the universe. you know what they say; atoms cant be destroyed nor created, it's a big old cycle of recycling. which is fucking crazy when you think about it. anyway.
i hope the angels will someday believe im worth saving. i hope i will someday believe im worth saving.
