The Way It Was - Abridged (Complete)

8

PAGKATAPOS naming maghapunan ni Lolo Hank ay sandali lang kaming nagkuwentuhan. He wanted to go to bed earlier than his usual. I kissed his cheek and told him I'd be in my studio.

"Good writing," sabi niya na ikinangiti ko kahit na alam kong hindi ako makakapagsulat habang naroon ako.

Lumabas ako sa bahay at pumasok sa loob ng nagsisilbing writing studio ko na ngayon. Sa loob ng mahabang panahon ay klinika ni Lolo Hank ang space na iyon. Nang maitayo ang Healing Hearts at nakalipat na sa mas malaki at mas komportableng klinika, ibinigay sa akin ni Lolo Hank ang space na iyon.

He thought it would be a good space for me, to be an office. But I could do whatever I wanted with it. It was all mine.

Noong una ay hindi ako sigurado. I was fine with the small space in my room. It was more than enough. But the idea of having a bigger office made me so happy. I was also so grateful for my grandfather's support. He had always believed in me.

Iginala ko ang paningin sa studio. The former clinic went into a major overhaul. Walls were knocked down to have more space. It was repainted. Muted colors pa rin pero hindi na puting-puti at sterile. I had shelves of books. Dalawang walls lang talaga ang walang bookshelves, ang isang bahagi ay ang photo wall at ang isang bahagi ay pininturahan ng chalkboard paint. It was almost always full of my scribbles of ideas and reminders. Nakaharap doon ang malaking U-shaped desk. May maliit na sitting area kung saan naroon ang sectional sofa na komportable ring tulugan.

Of course I had a really nice reading nook by the window.

I loved that studio so much. It was mine. I loved writing there. Pakiramdam ko ay legit na manunulat na ako sa wakas. Madalang akong makaramdam ng impostor syndrome kapag naroon ako.

Naupo ako sa office chair na regalo sa akin ng kapatid ko. It was large and very comfortable for my back. Hindi ko na sinubukan pang buksan ang computer ko. Alam ko na hindi ako makakapagsulat ng kahit na ano.

Tumingin ako sa isang bookshelf kung saan naroon ang mga libro ko. Kahit na paano ay napangiti ako. I didn't become a doctor but I had become an author–a romance author. Hindi ko rin inakala.

I needed something to do to express my emotions. I needed to write down my fantasies and desires. I needed an outlet. My therapist had always told me it would be helpful to write what I felt. Naging epektibo naman sa akin iyon, pero hindi sapat na parang nagsusulat lang ako sa diary o journal.

I tried writing a story. It was not an easy thing to do, but I finished writing a story with a happy ever after. I didn't know what to do with it after. Hiniling ni Robyn na basahin iyon. Lola Marianna had an extensive collection of romance books and Robyn and I used to read them.

Nagustuhan ni Robyn ang kuwento at isinuhestiyon niya na i-publish ko iyon online. It was a thing now, she had told me, independent publishing. It was also easier. I didn't need an agent or a publishing company. I just needed to put it out there.

Si Robyn ang gumawa ng book cover at nag-set up ng account ko sa pinakamalaking e-book self-publishing platform. I did not expect anything. I just thought, why not?

May mga nagbasa naman. Hindi marami pero labis na akong natuwa. The high rating and the good reviews gave me a boost. Nagkaroon ako ng gana na magsulat ng isa pa. It was in my third book that I started making money out of writing. It was not a lot of money, but it was a decent income.

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagsusulat. I was happy with what I was doing. I loved being in another world. I loved creating these stories with a guarantee of a happy ever after on the last page. I loved creating stories of soul-consuming love, lust, adventure and passion. Writing romance had kept me sane all these years.

I was not one of the popular romance writers out there, but I had a decent following. I made good money. I maintained my privacy. I used "Mary Anna" as my pen name. I didn't want my face out there. I didn't share my life. I just wanted to write. I was still independently publishing, but I had a small team now.

I loved what I had become. I was happy. I should be. I had reached a certain level of success and contentment. I hated the person who I was because I didn't understand what I truly needed.

My journey had made me fall in love with myself.

But I still had this longing for a person I could not have. Hindi ko maalis. Hindi ko makalimutan. God knew I had tried over the years. I had opened my heart to someone else. I wanted to be with someone else.

But Roarke seemed to haunt me.

Binuksan ko ang isang drawer sa desk. Inilabas ko mula roon ang isang phone. It was not my regular phone. My regular phone was on top of the desk already. I fondly called that phone, my "fangirl" phone.

Siguro kasalanan ko rin kung bakit hindi ako ganap na makalimot. I should cut all ties with Roarke. I should not be making fan accounts to cyberstalk him and the band. Palagi kong sinasabi na fan lang naman ako, harmless. I supported their music. Roarke and the band made good music.

Their music was charming, compelling, relatable, and very intimate. Sometimes it felt like the songs were made for me. And maybe some of them were about me, or about the failure of our relationship. The heartbreak and the broken fairytale.

I had never stopped being a fan–his fan. I joined online communities and I was very active in discussions. I consumed everything The Sleepwalkers put out. I streamed like crazy. I bought all their physical media and merchandise. I cried and laughed. I cheered for every success. Inaway ko ang lahat ng mga umaaway sa kanila. Sinagot ko ang lahat ng mga hindi magagandang comments na makita ko. Ipinagtanggol ko sila sa mga kritisismo.

I was a rabid fan. I had been a fan since the day Roarke auditioned as the new vocalist.