The Way It Was - Abridged (Complete)

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TANA HAD tried her very best to help me. I made her promise not to tell anyone. Not to Richard and not to my family. I made her swear not to tell Roarke. We were going to try to fix me.

I knew I wasn't quite ready to be helped. I didn't want to be helped. I couldn't stop taking Adderall. But Tana was concerned and I knew she was right.

Alam ko naman kung ano ang tama at kung ano ang dapat kong gawin. I wanted to believe I gave it my best shot.

Tana flushed my pills on the toilet. I snuck out to meet Joyce to get new ones.

"I can't go cold turkey," umiiyak na katwiran ko kay Tana nang malaman niya. I felt so guilty. I could see and feel her disappointment but I just couldn't control it. "I can't, okay? I need it, Tana. I need to wean it off very slowly. I can't go cold turkey."

Naawa naman siya sa akin. Nabatid niya na tama ako. But I was out of control and my will power wasn't strong enough. Hindi niya ako nababantayan palagi kaya hindi ko pa rin talaga makontrol.

I was a pill-popping med student. I was an addict.

The realization made me miserable but I felt no control over myself.

Tana told me she wanted to call Roarke. I begged her not to. Hindi ko gustong makita niya ako sa ganoong kalagayan. Hindi ko rin gustong maapektuhan siya. He was almost on top of the world.

The band was nominated for Best Band and a single was nominated for Best Track in a huge music award-giving body. It was a big deal to be nominated. He didn't need to know my mess. Hindi niya kailangang malaman kung gaano kalalim na akong nakabaon sa mess na iyon.

Tana did the best she could, but she eventually realized she couldn't do it alone. She couldn't let me get worse with the addiction. Hindi niya ako puwedeng pabayaan.

She called my brother James.

Pag-uwi ko sa apartment isang araw ay naroon na ang nakatatanda kong kapatid. One look on his grim face and I knew. I looked at Tana.

"How can you call him?" sabi ko, nasa tinig ko ang betrayal.

Hindi nakasagot si Tana dahil sumigaw na ang kapatid ko. "What were you thinking?!"

"James, I didn't call you to scream at her," sabi ni Tana. "I want you to help her."

Hindi siya pinansin ni James. "Adderall? Seriously?" I had never seen him this angry before. He also looked disgusted.

"I don't need you here. It is under control!"

"Where have you been?"

Hindi ako makasagot. Hinablot niya ang bag ko at hindi ako nakapiyok man lang. Binuksan niya ang maliit na bag at itinaktak. Dinampot niya ang isang resealable bag na naglalaman ng bagong pills.

"It's under control?"

Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha ko. "I need it, James. I can't go cold turkey. You know that."

Parang walang narinig ang kapatid ko. Kumilos siya at bago pa man talaga tumimo sa akin kung ano ang plano niyang gawin ay binubuksan na niya ang banyo.

Mabilis ko siyang sinundan. "James, no. Please. Please. No." I was vaguely aware of how I sounded. I was crying and begging for my pills.

But my brother had already flushed them down the toilet.