The Way It Was - Abridged (Complete)

21

Then

HINDI NGA ako iniwan ni Roarke kahit na sinabi ko nang okay lang ako. Hindi niya na kailangang manatili. Nang mahimasmasan ako ay bumalik din sa akin na may mga kailangan siyang gawin. Nagpadala lang siya ng text kay Storm.

"You don't have to do this," sabi ko.

Inilingan lang niya ako at itinulak patungo sa kuwarto ko. "I'll prepare some food. I had take outs on the fridge."

Nakita ko nga kanina. Punong-puno ang fridge ko ngayon. Hindi lang basta mga pagkain at inumin, lahat ng naroon ay mga paborito ko. He even managed to get me the good kind of kimchi. I had my junk foods and there were also fruits and vegetables.

Pumasok na muna ako sa kuwarto. I needed to fix myself and look decent for my boyfriend. Parang wala akong enerhiya na gawin pero parang kailangan ko ring gawin. Natigilan ako nang mapansin ang ilang bagay sa loob ng silid.

Roarke also cleaned my room. Nag-init ang mukha ko dahil sa kahihiyan. My boyfriend had to clean my room. Napatingin ako sa kama. He even changed the sheets. Nasa kama rin ang stack of books. Iba-iba. May hardbound, may trade paperback at may mass market paperback. Sa spine pa lang ay alam ko na kung anong klase ng libro ang mga iyon. Sa pinakaibabaw ng mga naka-stack na libro ay isang e-reader.

Nagtubig na naman ang mga mata ko.

"Is this okay?" tanong ni Roarke na hindi ko namalayan na nasa bungad na ng pinto. Nang tumingin ako sa kanya, nakita ko ang pag-aalala sa mga mata niya.

Hindi ko siya kaagad na sinagot. Lumapit ako sa kama at inabot ang e-reader. Binuksan ko iyon. Kaagad kong nalaman na may nakaset-up nang account para sa akin. May ilang downloaded books na rin–lahat ay romance novels. Lahat ng title ay mga gusto kong basahin.

Tumingin ako kay Roarke. Nanlalabo ang mga mata ko dahil sa mga luha. Nilapitan niya ako at niyakap.

"I'm sorry," sabi ko habang pigil-pigil ang sarili na mapabulalas ng iyak. "I'm so sorry."

"Hey, hey. I'll get rid of these if–"

"No, no," sabi ko. "I want them. Thank you. I'm so sorry for being... I don't know... like this."

"You're so stressed, babe."

"I am. I'm so tired. I'm so hungry. I feel so miserable. I don't know what to do. I love you so much."

Mahigpit niya akong niyakap habang umiiyak na naman ako. There were too much emotion whirling inside me. There were so many thoughts inside my head.

Nagawa ko uling kalmahin ang sarili ko. He fed me chicken soup and a deli sandwich. Nagawa kong maglinis ng katawan. Paglabas ko ng banyo ay nasa kama na si Roarke. Sinamahan ko siya roon. Halos daganan ko na siya at mukhang hindi naman niya alintana.

"Are you sure it's okay for you to be here?" tanong ko.

"Don't you want me to be here?"

"I want you to be here."

Pinindot niya ang ilong ko. "Then I'm here. I'm yours."

Tumingin ako sa mga romance novels na nasa night table. Gusto kong umabot ng isang libro pero pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko. "Thanks again for those."

"I know you love them and I don't understand why you're depriving yourself of them."

"I am not depriving myself of anything, Roarke. I just need to study. I don't have time for guilty pleasures."

"Guilty pleasures?"

Kagat ang ibabang labi na tumango ako. "I have so many guilty pleasures already. They are like cake or donuts. I can't devour them all the time. I need to cut back. There are books that need more of my time. I barely had the time for them."

"But they make you happy, Yani. I want you to be happy."

Hindi maikakaila ang bagay na iyon. Those romance books–those stories made me so happy. Kapag nagbabasa ako niyon, kaya kong mag-focus. Hindi gaanong nagwa-wander ang isipan ko. I was so relaxed. I could just be lost in the stories. And I'd feel so guilty because I spent time reading a romance book instead of my anatomy and physiology book. I'd feel so ashamed of reading something like that, of enjoying it.

Maigi sana kung mas intelektuwal na libro–literature–ang pinagkakaabalahan ko at nai-enjoy ko. Romance novels.

Kahit na kay Roarke ay nahihiya akong aminin na gusto ko ang ganoong entertainment. Wala namang masama pero nahihiya talaga ako lalo na at alam ko ang mga klase ng libro na binabasa niya. The man enjoyed reading books that were required to read in school.

Sinubukan kong itago pero siguro ay mahusay lang talaga ang observational skill niya. He knew me. It was very sweet of him to give me everything that would make me happy.

"A lot of things make me happy. You make me happy." Hindi rin naman ako nagsisinungaling.

"Read a book, babe. Give in to guilty pleasure. Don't deprive yourself, okay?"

Tumango na lang ako para matapos na ang usapan. He made an effort to give me a few things that he knew would make me happy.

"Why aren't you going to the diner anymore?"

Because I can't stay there and not order food. "It's not working anymore," sabi ko na hindi rin naman talaga kasinungalingan. Parang habang tumatagal ay lalo akong nahihirapan sa focus ko. Hindi rin nakakatulong ang mga pagkain.

"I'm worried, Yani."

Hinaplos ko ang dibdib niya. "I'll be okay. I just need to work on my focus. It's getting harder. I don't know. I've always had this difficulty. My mind wanders a lot. I like procrastination. I'd literally do anything just to avoid studying. I can't do that anymore. Med school is important. I need to work harder."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes you're way too harsh on yourself. You're unhappy–miserable. It breaks my heart to see you like that."

"Some med students have to work to fund their education, to continue going to med school. Some had debts and student loans. I didn't have to, Roarke. My parents are paying for this apartment so that I'd be comfortable in every way. I have an allowance. I have my own credit card. I shouldn't be miserable. I should be doing a better job. I should be getting better grades. There's no reason for me to fail. There's literally no excuse. I can't be unhappy."

Napapabuntong-hininga na niyakap niya ako. Ramdam ko na may gusto siyang sabihin pero tahimik lang niya akong niyakap.

"I'll be fine," sabi ko na lang. "I should be fine."

"I love you. When it's getting hard and you need me, just call, okay? Promise me you'd call me."

"Promise." Napayapa ako sa kaalaman na maaari ko talaga iyong gawin. He would be there for me. I had someone who loved me. "I love you. I will always love you." I didn't want to ever lose him.