Making It!

Chapter 13

"Harry love" I'm gently shook awake by Meg, the nurse. My head rests on top of mum's hand again as Meg continues to talk "The doctors need to check your mum over again, let's get you a tea or coffee, shall we?" I raise my head and scan over mum lying there, she looks so small and vulnerable right now,i want my bubbly and chatty mum back. I don't want to leave her, what if something happens and I'm not here, she shouldn't be alone. "I...I don't want to leave her" I mumble out, sleepy and a bit crockey. "I know dear, but she's in safe hands" I sit for a few seconds pondering what Meg said, I know that she's in the best place and receiving the best care so I squeeze mum's hand tenderly and whisper "I won't be far mum, okay" before I stand and stretch my limbs out, everything feels sore. The doctor and a few nurses file into mum's room, I offer them a little nod hello as I make my way out behind Meg.

I settle back into the waiting room in the same seat I plonked myself down in just a few hours ago.

Let me tell you, the waiting that's what is going to kill me honestly. Minutes feel like hours going by in slow motion. Waiting this out alone is so hard, my thoughts are instantly taken to the one person I want here rubbing my back to soothe my concern and keep the panic at bay, to squeeze my hand in reassurance, my Louis. I want Louis. A few stray tears escape my eyes and fall down my cheeks. I swiftly wipe them away when I hear the nurse "Harry, can I get you anything?"

now i think about it, I haven't ate or drank anything in hours, I can't stomach the idea of food right now, that sicky feeling is still gargling in my gut "I'll take a Coffee please" Meg scurries away and returns just a few minutes later, polystyrene cup in hand.

I take a sip of the black coffee it's like tar and wince scrunching my face up, yikes....this stuff is bloody awful but it will have to do.

"How long do these checks take?" I ask, pointing towards mum's room. "Not long, they're just checking for any change in your mum's condition" I give a small understanding smile and take another sip of the drink warming my hand.

A beep in my pocket breaks the silence in the waiting room, it's Ben. Shit,I forgot to text him back earlier.

B- Hey H, please let me know if all is okay x

H- Sorry Ben, I forgot to reply earlier. Mum's in a bad way. Broken leg, a couple of cracked ribs and brain swelling. She's been sedated for now. Can you let the rest of the family know please? I can't bring myself to make those calls, telling Gem was hard enough x

B- No problem cuz, consider it done. X

I pocket my phone and force down another gulp of this dreadful coffee. I make a mental note to remind myself to never take any offers of coffee in this place again.

The doctor exit's mum's room and heads in my direction. Hear we go, I need some good news right now.

"No need to get up Harry" The same doctor from earlier, Mills I think he said his name was says to me, taking a seat beside me.

I silently wait for him to start talking "So, these last round of tests showed no change so far I'm afraid Harry" I bow my head feeling disheartened, I let my tears tumble freely down my face and onto my t-shirt as the doctor pats my arm in comfort and then rises from his seat. "We will repeat these tests again in a few hours, I will see you then" he says then moves onto his next patient.

Mum can't die, I won't cope if she dies.

I can feel it start and it's building rapidly. The crushing of my chest, the pounding explosive heart, the sweating palms and the gasping for breath.....Panic!

Meg eyes at me from her desk with an uneasy look on her face, "Harry?" she questions, I can't talk, I can't breathe. She rounds the desk quickly and kneels in front of me. "Okay Harry, can you slow your breathing down for me?" her hand comes up to my chin and she gently lifts my head to make me look into her eyes, there hazel coloured and so caring looking. "Just look at me okay, let's breathe together, in and out, in and out, in and out" I try to mimic her pattern. Eventually I feel my heart rate start to slow down and my breathing even out.

"There we go, that's a good lad" As my panic attack subsides, Meg stands up and pats my shoulder, this calms me a little more. "Th..Thank you" I stutter out quietly. She offers me a kind, understanding smile and heads back to her desk.

I finally start to make my way back to mum, my panic and anxiety under control for now, just as I'm closing the room door, I hear the faint buzz of the ward intercom.

I take my seat next to mum's bed and link our hands again. "I'm back mum" I hope she can feel that I'm here, she's not alone, not anymore.

My eyes fly up from watching mum to the door that bursts open and Gem barges in.

I dive out of my seat and straight into her arms. We hold each other in a fierce hug for what feels like forever. I instantly feel some relief knowing Gemma is here now, I'm not having to cope with all this alone anymore.

"I'm so sorry H, so so sorry. Please don't hate me" when I pull back to look at her face, Gems in tears, cry hysterically. "What? Why are you sorry?" I say pulling her further into the room. "The fucking dead phone, you having to deal with this alone. I'm so angry at myself" She sobs out, eyes darting furiously between mum in the hospital bed and then me. "Come here you. It's not your fault sis" I kiss her hair and then take her hand holding it tight as we both turn to face mum's bed.

We have to be each other's strength now, each other's rock.

Mum's going to pull through this I tell myself over and over again. She just has too! I don't want to have to live the rest of my life without her.