Getting Away From Him

Serene~P.O.V~

A few hours later I was getting driven down to the funeral home to choose the caskets for my men. I couldn't believe that's what I was actually doing. My boys were being taken care of by some of the old ladies at my home. I had to make so many decisions. I picked out two prestine black caskets with white lining inside. They cleaned them up so good they looked as if they were just asleep. I sat with them in a private room. I held their hands and cried and yelled at both of them for not keeping their promises to me and our kids. And how selfish of them to just leave me like this. I didn't know how life will be like with twin boys and a new baby on the way. I wasn't that far along yet in my pregnancy to know the gender at all. I cried and kissed their lips for the last time. My tears dropped on both of them and I walked out of the funeral home. I was accompanied by a few of the guys one of them was Vince's right hand man and the other was Diesel's right hand man and few others. They walked beside me and we all got into the suv and they drove me home. As soon as I walked inside my home I broke down again. I didn't realize that Bones was there sitting on the sofa crying. Until I felt his arms help pick me up and his voice saying "your not alone. We'll all help each other to get through this. You have us all forever." I cried into his chest. "BONES THEY PROMISEDME OVER AND OVER THIS MORNING! I told them that I had a bad inkling and they both brushed me off. Now look!" I pushed away from him, and started waving my arms like I'm crazy and started to shout. " TELL ME HOW THE FUCK CAN THEY BE SO SELFISH! I HAVE TWO THREE MONTH OLD TWIN AND ANOTHER BABY ON THE WAY! HOW CAN THEY LEAVE ME ALONE LIKE THIS! TELL ME SOMEBODY PLEASE HOW-HOW IS THIS FAIR! THEY GAVE ME THE BEST THREE PRECIOUS BABIES IN MY LIFE AND NOW THEY'RE GONE! How Bones?! I w-want them to walk in this damn door and say gotcha! Hey beautiful and hey princess. Why can't I have that bones why?!!" He just pulled me back into his arms and said "I don't know I don't know." After a few more long minutes two prospects and one of the club "girls" stayed back and attended my boys. I felt so broken and even worse of a mother. I was making my unborn child feel all these bad emotions and now I'm not even carrying for my boys. I told myself just tonight I would cry my heart out for them and tomorrow I will be strong for my kids for my men that are no longer here. Bones stayed in the guest room and the prospects and the girl named hunnie stayed in the living room. They got the boys bathed fed and put them to bed. I took a long cool shower and cried. There sat on the shower shelves Vince's and Diesel's shampoo and beard wash and body wash. I opened the bottles and inhaled the scent of them both and hugged it close to my body. I got out of the shower once I felt so drained that I barely could even walk to the sink and get dress into Vince's comfy shirt. I brushed my teeth and I broke down again. There I saw their toothbrushes and shaving kits and colognes. I made myself go into our room and still you could see their head imprints in their pillows. I slowly crawled on the bed not to disturb their pillows and laid in the middle. I cried and prayed that I have the strength that I needed for my kids to get through this. I couldn't believe that just last night they were making love to me and now here I was alone in bed. And them both gone forever. I hugged myself and drifted off to sleep. I woke up the next morning really early and I forgot for a split second and remembered when I reach over trying to hug Vince and felt a cold spot next to me and a cold spot behind me. I started to cry and forced myself to swallow back my sobs and get out of bed and get myself ready. I went into my closet and got my black leggings and my black lace top with my black tank top underneath. I brushed my teeth and hair into a ponytail and applied light concealer and some eyeliner. Today I will show everyone that even though I'm so broken inside that I'm strong and capable to handle all of this alone. I walked out of my room and into my boys' room. There they laid sound asleep. They will never remember their daddies and how much they loved them. My unborn baby won't even remember their voices. I can't break down. I slowly walked out of their room and into the kitchen. I started the coffee machine and started washing the dishes. I didn't get a chance to wash the breakfast dishes from yesterday's breakfast. I was adamant to make them wash them when they got back. To hold them to their promises. My hands shook while I slowly washed the last mugs they both drank out of from, the plates they had their last home cooked meals on. I hurried up and finished washing it all and cleaned down my stove and countertops. Once the coffee was done I heard someone clear their throat. I turned around and there stood Hunnie. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you." " you're not. I made coffee I'm just cleaning. Didn't mean to wake you up. Thank you for helping out with my boys I really appreciate your help. Im going to go out in some laundry to wash. I'll be right back." With that I walked into the laundry room. How was I going to get through washing their clothes. I shook my head and began sorting the laundry out. Vince always tries to have it all organize to make it easier for me. But Diesel was always so impatient and would just throw his clothes in any hamper. Laughing to myself about it. I put the clothes into wash. I had about three hampers of our clothes and three of the boys' to get done. I walked out back into the living room and there sat the two prospects Bunnie and Bones. "Coffee is made if anyone wants any. Bones can you help me decide what clothes we are taking to the funeral home today. I wanted your help if you can to comb their hair. They don't know how they liked it the way we do." He just nodded his head yeah. I looked over to Hunnie and the prospects and said, "can you three stay here with my boys and take care of them until I get back. I have to write a list of everything I need here for the house and the boys. I know Diesel and Vince made a list but I need to add to it. Bones can you please have the guys bring their bikes over and into the garage. I know they hated having their bikes out and not covered. Also we need to call the rest of the family for everyone to come and pay their respects. I also need your help to pick out their head stone. I was thinking of having a replica of the club patch in the center of the head stone and their names both on there. Why do you think?" "Y-yeah they would have loved that idea. Swe- I mean Serene please take it easy. We're all here to help you with everything." I shook my head and said, "Bones if I don't stay busy and strong for myself and kids and for my men and everyone else I won't be any good for anyone. I can't not be a mother to my kids and a mourning widow to my men. I need to find a way to go on with life without them. I need to find strength in myself to be able to get through everyday with out them. To get through all their firsts with out their daddies and how I have to remember every memory for my kids and remind them every day how loved they were from their daddies. So please understand I need to learn how to do all this myself and can't keep depending on everyone. Everyone has three families and lives too." With that he said ok and went to serve himself some coffee. I went back to my room and made my bed opened up my curtains and literally was talking to myself. "You guys know how much I wish I can yell at both of you right now. I need to figure my life with out both. I love you guys and miss you both so much." A tear leaked out of my eyes and I kept busy cleaning my room. I went into our walk in closet and found Diesel's favorite pair of jeans and his shirt he would wear when he had to head out to church every morning in. He had multiple of the same shirt. He would wear that and his cut with his rings and his thin chain necklace with a silver cross. I got out his favorite pair of shoes and his socks and his boxers. For Vince he loves being dressed up. He had a fitted vest with a button up footed shirt. With black fitted jeans and sometimes he would have on his comfy shirt with the sleeves rolled up and his cut on. But I knew he would want to be in his favorite fitted vest and jeans. So I picked out his whole outfit including his shoes and socks and boxers. I gather their hair and beard products and their colognes. My men were going to smell and look good for fucks sake. Once I was done I went back to the laundry room and put in another load to wash and the other load to dry. I heard my boys cry and walked out to the living room and they were not having it. "Oh, my babies why are you both crying come to mommy." I got both of them in my arms and instantly they both calmed down. Hunnie help get me their diapers, wipes and clothes for the morning. They never stay clean through the whole day. After thanking her I changed them and got them changed and dressed. Once I was done I got them both in my arms and went back to the nursery with Hunnie behind me. "Can you hold Damian while I latch on Damone please. Once I latched Damone on I covered myself then I had her help me latch on Damian and she help cover me up. I slowly rocked on the glider. "You both are so loved. Your daddy and dada love you both so much. When you get older I will remind you guys of them everyday and play the videos of them. Everyone will always remind you guys of them." I cried while I fed them. After they were done and I fixed myself up I burped them and laid them down for their naps. They literally are good babies. The mornings are always the same they wake up to get changed and dress and fed and go back to sleep. Then they wake up get changed fed and they play for a bit. Get fed again and nap time it is again. Once they were out I checked the clothes and told them not to touch the laundry. Just to take care of my boys. They agreed I grabbed the duffle back of my men's stuff, but bones insisted on carrying it for me. I went and grabbed the list the guys had wrote and placed it gently in my purse. Once I had everything i needed we left.
Once we arrived they had them ready for us to dress them. We had the funeral director to help putting on their shirts. I didn't want to see their torso all stitched up. Once they were dressed Bones and I combed their hair how the would everyday. We got them dress and everything down to the t. Bones cried and had to stop helping a few times. I kept talking to them and saying how they would be making fun of Bones for crying so much. I talked to them about how they guys were going to park their bikes in the garage for them. And how I would remind our kids about them everyday. And how I was still mad at both of them for not keeping their promises. And how much I love them and I will never be able to have my broken heart fixed. Since they took it with them. Once they were ready we left and I dragged Bones with me to target and got everything on the list plus some other things that they forgot. I didn't realize that majority of the things I wash getting was their hygiene things and more socks and boxers. I froze at the register and looked at Bones. "I forgot Bones. I forgot that they're not here. What am I going to do with this stuff?" I started to hyperventilate and he quickly helped me to calm down. "Look let's get this cuz you know even if those fuckers ain't here they would be like wow you didn't even get everything on the list. So let's just pay and head home ok?" I nodded my head and proceeded to pay for everything. I thanked the cashier and we left. Once we got home I went inside and heard. My boys scream crying. No one couldn't get them to stop crying. "Babies what's wrong? Come here to mommy." And instantly again they stopped crying. "Bones can you get me their double carrier please." Once I strapped one baby in the front the other behind me I continued to put everything away and did the laundry. They just slept. Bones had me sit on the stool and have a meal.