He came today. He is all smiling so I fake a smile like nothing happened. I act like he didn't leave me and my baby starving for days. I want to speak to him but I know the result is that he will get angry and hit me or if he's a tiny bit good, he will just lock us and leave this time for years.
He carry the baby in his arms and I can't help but imagine how attractive he looks when he is caring but then I remember that he is never caring.
"Why do you look like this?" He scrunched his nose like he is disgusted by my looks.
"Have you not been sleeping. Your eyes are bloodshot" He stares into my eyes and something stirs inside me. I hate him.
This eyes saw nothing but tears
Happiness they have not seen for years
You act like nothing happens
You signed for this marriage with pens
Yet you don't treat me like your wife
Each day your words stubs worse than the knife
"How was your trip?" I ask hiding my sadness and containing all the pain in my heart.
"It was fun and tiring." He yawns and places the baby on the bed placing a kiss on his face. He gets up and gets his clothes from the wardrobe. He heads to the shower.
I want to cook something for him but there's nothing to cook so I just sit on the bed.
He comes out of the washroom with a towel around his torso. Water is dripping from his hair. He look fresh and I can't help but stare at him. Then I avert my eyes but he had already noticed me staring. The atmosphere around us is thick with tension.
He wears his t-shirt and sweatpants and come to sit on the side of the bed.
"I want tea." It is a demand as usual. He always treats me like a maid.
I gulp my saliva in fear and stutter a response. "Tea..leaves...not there." How can he act this oblivion. When he was leaving we barely had any food left.
He groans in annoyance and mutters "disappointment" under his breath.
I get mad at him. I feel my cheeks burning with anger and I can't contain it anymore so I let myself burst.
"You are a disappointment. You left your wife and child with no food. You let us starve not caring whether we live or die. You , God will question you about your responsibilities. I regret marrying you. Return me to my home, give me a divorce." I shout and my chest is heaving up and down. My baby start crying he must have woken up from my noise.
He stands up from where he is sitting in his bed. He looks dangerous and I curse myself for everything I said.
He gets impossibly close to me. His breath feels like mine. I breath the smell of cigarettes in and it's disgustingly disturbing.
"Watch your mouth. Address me with respect." His hands curls around my throat. I feel the air leaving my chest.
"Amar..." I choke out his name. Tears start blurring my vision but I still notice the smile that curves his mouth.
He is enjoying this. He is enjoying my pain. He thinks it makes him a man and powerful.
"Women your age are successful. They are independent. They work for themselves unlike you depending on your husband. You expect me to put food in your mouth.." Amar lets out a mockery laugh. His fingers finally draw away from my neck. I let myself crush on the bed coughing and my lungs desperate for air.
I no longer want to live
He could have killed me
He could have saved me all this pain
The troubles of life he could free me
I can no longer contain the tears. My baby is crying too but am too weak to attend to him.
Amar reaches for his wallet and throws money on me.
"Buy the baby milk." With that he unlocks the door and leaves. I gather myself up and carry my baby in my arms. My child stops crying and starts playing in my lap. My tear falls from my eyes into his cheek but my baby is so unaware of everything. Despite my tears I smile when I see my baby smiling.
I want a bright future for you.
I don't want you to see the hurdles of life
I don't want you to mistreat your wife
I laugh at myself. My child is not even a year old yet am thinking of his wife.
It's past midnight. It my favourite time of the night. The world feels peace at this time. It's the time when I feel numb from the pain that I carried the whole day. It also the time where I shed my worries and feel a deep connection with my Lord.
I let my head touch the ground. I stay in that position for two..three...some minutes. This time I don't utter my supplications like I usually do. My mind is fazed. I know God will hear my heart not only my words so I freely let the tears out. I start shaking but after am done crying it's like my problems never existed. The pain ease and I feel a wave of peace coursing through my body.
This world is nothing but a test
It's the hereafter where we will rest
I want nothing no more but heaven
This world is nothing but days of seven
I lay on my bed. Sleep is far from me. I let myself imagine all the better different routes my life could have taken
Maybe the best is what God has written for me.
It was yet to come. I just had to be patient.
Sabr ya nafsi....I whisper to myself.
YOU ARE READING
LET ME WALK YOU TO JANNAH
SpiritualSome people never experience peace Their pain never ease Maybe their peace is the next world Maybe for them it's the life after death ***** You were nothing but a test on my path To win or lose was trying my worth You couldn't hear the words m...
