It's late at night. I don't have to look at the clock pressed to the wall to confirm.
I just know from the glow of the moon, I just know it's this time when people grow quiet. Am watching the sky my eyes darting between the moon and the stars. I can't fathom between the stars and the moon which intrigues me more.
I let my mind relax for a moment. I let hope peek into my heart once again but it's getting hard to keep it from escaping through the space of my lungs. I hold my breath, I don't want to breathe it out. I don't want hope escaping. Once I was told that losing hope is losing yourself and it's today that am understanding that concept.
Realization hits me. I cry. I bawl my eyes out. I haven't prayed since I was admitted. My heart aches, it cracks. My lungs squeeze into my ribs.
There's no excuse for missing, you are even allowed to pray while laying on bed.
I want to pray. I try to pick myself up but I can't lift my body. I can only move my head and hands. I give up trying to raise my body and accept the fact that I need help. I need someone to help me do my wudhu. I watch the clock tickle every second. Its 3.am, I don't want to call anyone this late. Maybe I will ring the alarm during Fajr. I close my eyes and mumble prayers to God.
Opening my eyes, I realize that I had unconsciously fallen into slumber but I had woken up just in time. I hear the adhan going, its sweet melody enchanting my soul. I didn't know there was a mosque nearby but it's sounding very close. I wonder how I never heard it since I was admitted. Maybe I was sleeping through all the time of Salah. A pang of guilt hits me.
I rang the alarm and within no time the nurse is by my side. It's the same young nurse. Am not sure she will understand me because she's not Muslim.
"I want to pray. I need help to do ablution." I tell her. Am not sure how she's going to react. She smiles at me and says, "I understand. But I have to call the doctor. He was in tonight for emergency and went to the mosque now. Just few minutes till he's back." She asks me to wait and I agree though am in fear that I will miss Fajr.
When the nurse sees the doctor almost slipping through the door, she rushes. I don't understand why she looks anxious. I see their blurry image through the frosted glass. They are discussing something after which the doctor pulls the door open and enters.
"Assalam Aleykum." He greets me. He is never looking at me. He always lowers his gaze and the number of time he meets my eyes are countably few.
I respond to the Salaam. I don't explain to him because am sure the nurse must have done the job.
"I want to tell you something great. It's going to change how you live. You have to know that when Allah decides a matter it's done..." he trails off. My heart picks its pace. "You have no option but to live with it and accept it.." he takes a deep breath like the message he wants to drop is heavier on his shoulder. "You won't be able to walk. Your legs are permanently paralyzed."
I no longer know how to react. I thought things couldn't go worse but I was wrong. I wonder how many more tests await me, I wonder if I will pass through all of them without my faith tampering.
The doctor lifts his eyes to meet mine. He wants to see my reaction but am cold. My heart is freezing. I thaw.
"I want to pray." That's all I can utter. I look cool but inside is a turmoil.
He tells the nurse to help me and exits the room.
Once the nurse is done helping me, I ask her to excuse me. Am not sure how this is done. The nurse has put me in a sitting position with my back resting on the backrest of the bed. I have never in my life seeing someone pray while sitting but I just decide to do it how I can. I adjust the scarf the nurse placed on my head. It's not a real scarf, but the bed sheet fulfills the purpose of a scarf. She placed it on top of my scrub cap.
It's now that I let the tears soak me. I don't hold back the sobs escaping my throat. I cry out. I no longer know what I want in life. Am wondering if this news will ever reach my family but am sure it will not.
I have so many questions to ask God. I have so many worries to let out. I don't know how I will survive and a part of me is begging for death to approach closer. Am not sure how I will live and most of all am not sure for a place to stay.
The thought of getting discharged from hospital scares me. I don't want my health to improve and start stressing over a place to stay.
God all am seeing is darkness
Will I reach the end of the tunnel am not sure
Will I ever watch my own happiness
Will I see the light of the day pouring from the Sun being pure
Will I make it to heaven after only seeing fire in this world
I decide that if I get discharged I will tell them to take me to the supportive housing.
************************************_________________________________________
Assalam Aleykum.
Am not sure there's someone who is even reading this book but if there's even one person I hope you are enjoying it.
Do lemme know your opinion.
YOU ARE READING
LET ME WALK YOU TO JANNAH
SpiritualSome people never experience peace Their pain never ease Maybe their peace is the next world Maybe for them it's the life after death ***** You were nothing but a test on my path To win or lose was trying my worth You couldn't hear the words m...
