LET ME WALK YOU TO JANNAH

Chapter 4

Since Amar lost his job things got worse between us. It has become his habit to come home drunk. Most of the times, if not all times he will lose his mind and start venting it all on me. Sometimes it's just a slap other times it kicks on my stomach. Sometimes he will use his belt and flog me.

I stare at my own reflection and can't recognize the woman gazing back at me. I trace my hand on the red patch on my cheek. It's swollen and the wound is fresh. It was from last night when his belt landed on my face. I was glad that I shielded my eyes.

Crying is becoming foreign to me and my heart no longer breaks. I think I have succumbed to pain. Solid is what am becoming. His slaps doesn't sting like it did at the beginning. I don't beg him to stop hitting me when he begins. I wait for his strength to give up on him. I can see it irritates him that I gave him zero reaction.

I splash water on my face. I feel like a robot, am taking everything as it is.
My baby, Mahir is crying. I don't rush to hold him like I usually do. I listen to his cries just staring at myself in the mirror. He doesn't stop crying and his cries are getting louder. He chokes with tears and I sprang out of the washroom.
I start panicking but never fail to pick him up in my arms. I start crying because I almost let my baby die from crying.

I reach for his bottle and feed him. He finally falls back into sleep. I place him back on the bed and stood up. My legs gives out on me crushing me to the ground. I cry all the tears I had bottled up these whole weeks.

I push my head to the floor though my hair is flowing down I don't cover it. I just prostrate. I lack the energy to reach for my headscarf but deep down I know my God will still listen to the pleas of my heart. Peace is all I pray for.

I raise my hand in the air with tears trickling down my cheeks.

God I fear I may not be able to withstand more
The fear of losing hope is shaking me to the core
Your existence is what am certain of
Everything in these world Your power is above
I will keep on moving and praying for I have for you an immense love
God someday make this pain go away
Guide me to Your beautiful pathway
God make that someday today

I hear the door unlocking and hastily whisper 'ameen' under my breath and turn my head just in time to see Amar entering the room.

He looks out of control, his eyes makes me squirm in my position.

" Why were you following me?" He is taking slow steps towards me. His question fills me with confusion.
I open my mouth to enquire but change my mind and just stare at him. Am trying my best to hold his gaze.

"You want to kill me right?" His words perplexed me. Am trying my best to understand him. I don't understand where he's going with his words.

"Why you fucking want to kill me..why?" He shouts at the top of his lungs and startled Mahir out of his sleep. He starts crying.

"I wouldn't let you succeed." His chest is heaving up and down as he speaks. His words together with his actions muddled me.

He start walking towards me and my heart picks its pace.
He lowers himself to his knee and lunged forward his hands getting hold of my throat. I wrestle with him am trying my best to free his hands from my throat. I open my mouth trying to gulp as much air as I can. I can feel air rushing out of my lungs.

"Am..mar.."I manage to mouth his name at the same time Mahir's cry grows louder. Amar releases me holding his ears to block the sound of Mahir.

"Shut up..will you.." Amar stands and heeds to Mahir. Rubbing my throat am trying to stop my coughs. A part of me is fearing for my baby, I fear he might harm him.

"I will kill you." He bawled reaching something from his jacket pocket.
He slides out knife. Am terrified. I start shivering.
I need to stop him.
"Amar don't do anything stupid...Amar he is your blood.." I shout louder than anything. Am sure all the neighbourhood can hear me. Am shaking hard and I pick myself up but my knees doesn't support me, It gives out on me and I fall.

He places the knife on Mahir's throat.
I think it's some twisted joke. He want to terrify me. He can't kill his own child.

He moves his hands swiftly to the right and I hear the sound.
Red. No. No. It can't be blood.
"Nooooo waaaaaaaaaa." I pull out my hair am unaware of everything.
I rush my way to Mahir  pushing Amar.
I place my hands on his throat. Something is spilling out of it. It can't be blood.

Mahir isn't looking at me like he usually does when am breastfeeding him or holding him.
"Mummy.." I shake him. Someone pulls me off Mahir. They are gripping my hair but the pain I don't feel. They crush me to the ground. He straddled me.
"I will end this problem." He holds his knife in front of my eyes.

I don't struggle to save myself. I couldn't save my child.

Kill me. I want to die.

His knife digs into my left thigh. I welcome the pain. I feel him pull out his knife. He stabs my right thigh again.
Once, twice, thrice the knife is digging in and out.

He holds the knife before my eyes. The silver metal turned red. I guess that's the colour of blood. Red.
He places the metal on my throat, it's cold. I want him to just end it. I want him to split it open.

The door swung open.
"Get still.." Amar looks at the door. His hands shake and the knife fall of his grip.

An officer pulls him off me. Someone rushes to my side. She holds my hands.
I look at her and recognize her.
"Fatima...my child.." I breath out welcoming the darkness that takes over me.