LET ME WALK YOU TO JANNAH

Chapter 26

Four years later....

Time is deceitful, it's a competitor always trying to defeat you. It's like the wind running and impossible to catch. God! I wanted to turn off the world's clock and watch time still.

There was a void in my heart, an empty painful space that no matter what I did I couldn't fill. I was fighting the devil's whispers in my mind daily, fighting sadness that was clinging to me recently. I had increased my prayers, I offered salatul Duha daily and kept consistency with my Tahajud prayer. I knew after every hardship comes ease so I was so hopeful with my prayers.

Dear Al Wadud,
In this blessed month of Ramadan
Make this pain in my heart come undone
I know you hear every whisper before it leaves my mouth
You are merciful and praise worth
Give us the sabr to wait what You have for us prepared
Only you can fix our problem and have everything repaired
Ya Rabb bless us with pious children

I rubbed the tears that cascaded down my cheeks. I knew this was our test of faith. No matter how much I tried to hold onto the rope of faith and hope, there was this gnawing fear that me and Shahzad would never get children. I knew even though Shahzad kept a happy facade that he was hurting and desperately aching to held a child in his arms. I would find him every night secretly reading quotes about being a father late at night thinking that I am in deep sleep.
He would often watch clips about children and I would hear him muffle his cries. He would then listen Islamic motivational videos and turn off his phone, whisper prayers and place a soft kiss on my head and turn over to his side and welcome sleep.

The next morning he would act as if the painful long nights didn't exist for him. He would comfort me and tell me that Allah had better plans for us and time was only the distance that was keeping us from our answered prayers. He would convince me that the best of things take time to arrive.

After I finished my Taraweeh prayers, I folded my prayer mat and pushed myself towards the bed. I shifted myself from my wheelchair to the edge of the bed and untangled my scarf letting my hair fall free.

Today I offered my Taraweeh prayers at home contrary to all other days when Shahzad would walk me to the mosque. He texted to notify me that he wouldn't come home after maghrib prayer since he had some serious issues to attend to. He politely asked me to offer my Taraweeh prayer at home. I wouldn't say that I wasn't dissapointed because I was. I always looked forward to the Taraweeh nights where Shahzad would push me in my wheelchair as he cracked jokes and told me inspiring stories. The breeze playing with my scarf and caressing my face as I would laugh at a joke Shahzad cracked. The Taraweeh nights became my therapeutic time.

The door swung open and Shahzad appeared with a file in his hand and a smile radiating from his face. Unlike other days when he's forcing a smile to hide his pain, today he was having a genuine smile on his face which made my heart to leap in dance.

"Assalam Aleykum ya Zawjati?" He clossed the distance between us and sat next to me on the bed. " I have a beautiful surprise for you." He joyfully threw the words like he couldn't wait to see my reaction to his surprise. He held my hand and placed a kiss against my both palms and peered into my eyes, " I know this will make you happy." He brushed a strand of hair away from my left eye and leaned in to kiss me.

Shahzad pressured me to get dressed in less than ten minutes and blew out a sigh of relief when I finally sat in the car. "Took you years to get ready." He commented putting the keys into ignition.

"I took like seven minutes! You should be grateful," I retorted. "Can you tell me the surprise please because am growing anxious and curiousity is killing me?" I asked as I anxiously tapped my hands aginst my hips.

Shahzad grabbed my hand stopping me from drumming it against my body with his left hand, his eyes focused on the road. "Stop being curious then because we are almost there."

He was suppose to put quotation on 'almost' because he took fifteen more minutes until he pulled off the car. I looked around the area confused since all I could see was a newly built mosque admist tall buildings residence.

"So here is the surprise, I want you to sign this paper." He removed the file he earlier had from the dashboard and offered me a pen making me more confused. " Stop giving me those eyes because am explaining everything because I want you to sign with intention." My heart slowed its pace and tears started stinging my eyes. Why would Shahzad surprise me with divorce papers.  I gulped in pain and looked at Shahzad with betrayal but I couldn't clearly see his expression because of my hazy vision due to the tears swimming behind my eyelids.

"What's wrong?" Shahzad asked his tone laced with confusion.

"You could have told me if you wanted us to.." I failed to contain my tears and a lone tear ran down my left eye then another. I didn't realize that I had started shaking with tears. "You could have asked me bluntly instead of all this that you wanted us to...part..wanted everything to end." Mouthing it out made everything more throbbing to take. I knew we couldn't become permanent since children are the strengthening pillar of marriage and the walls of our marriage was to collapse soon.

"I don't get you?" Shahzad asked his eyebrows drawn in confusion while terror filled his eyes.

"Are you not asking me to sign divorce papers?" I hiccuped brushing away my tears. Shahzad unbuckled his seat belt and unexpectedly engulfed me in a hug. He held me so tightly that I feared he would bruise my skin.

"Why would you think that I will ever let you go?" He asked in worried tone.
"I can't for a second breathe without you," He added. "I wanted you to sign this paper because I bought a mosque in our name and I wanted you to sign with intention of ownership and Sadaqatul Jariya for us. I bought it with the intention of it coming from both of us so as to please Allah and insha'allah for it to become a beneficial continuous charity to save us after our death and to secure us a place in Jannah." He finished still holding onto me. I couldn't help but cry more and let my tears wash over Shahzad's white thobe.

"You know there are money forms of Sadaqatul Jariya and waladu saleh isn't the only continuous charity." Shahzad told me staring into my eyes and I looked away after reading his mind. I knew what this implied. My heart throbbed excruciatingly as it dawned on me that Shahzad was giving up on the possibility of us having children.

I broke into tears and pulled Shahzad into hug and tightly clutched his thobe my heart ambushing his for letting go of the strings of hope, for not believing in the custle we have built with our prayers.