My Soldier (Bucky Barnes)

I Don't Love You

Fear. What is fear? Fear is a strong unpleasant emotion which is often caused by anticipation or recognition of the danger coming forth. That was all I felt the moment the red mist around me cleared and I found myself surrounded by the familiar grey walls. I could listen to the rapid beating of my heart. It was all familiar. I knew it all too well. The coldness of the room. The lack of air. The lack of noises. Everything. I looked into the mirror that was on one of the walls. I looked the same but my clothes weren't. I was in my old training gear. The black tan top, the black military pants and the black boots. I was back in HYDRA. "No no no no no no n-no no no no... NO! I can't be here. T-this is not true. This is a dream." I tried to convincing myself. My lips were trembling and tears fell down from my eyes. I had to get out of here. I tried using my power to blast the mirror as I knew it was a one way mirror. There probably were some people standing  on the other side of the room. But nothing came out of it. "NO. What did you do to me?!" I kept shouting at the mirror and then broke into a sob. Just then there were gunshots heard and the door opened to reveal someone standing there. The smell of gunpowder and the even colder air hit my body. I heard the hooded person breathing heavily. Throughout my time in HYDRA, since birth, I could recognize this breathing even in a big crowd. It was him, Bucky. He came to save me. 

"Bucky?" I asked but there was no reply. "Bucky is that you?" I tried again but there was no reply from him. Instead he lunged at me with his pocket knife. I blocked his attack. It wasn't him. It was the Winter Soldier. "Stop attacking me, Bucky. I'm a friend." "You are no friend. You left me for HYDRA to capture me again. You are a liar." I was wrong, it was Bucky. H- he was in his right mind and blamed me. "You broke my trust." he said as he threw punches at me and successfully hit me with them. "Like I was nothing to you." I climbed on his neck and tried hitting him on the back. He then fell down as I then sat on his chest and blocked his hands. "You mean everything to me Bucky." He let out a scream and shuffled, making me fall off his body. He got up and picked me up by the legs and threw me across the wall. "You always lie!" "What are you saying? Remember D.C., the escape plan, I did all of that for you. I wanted you to be free!" he then punched me in the nose. I heard a crack so obviously he broke my nose. It hurt like hell. I could feel the warm liquid drip out of my nose. He let out a heartless chuckle. "If so, why am I still on run? Huh?" he came closer to me. I could feel his breath on my face as he spoke. "Just admit that you made the whole escape plan to save yourself."

"I was just a name tag to be put around your plan as an excuse. To be taken in by SHIELD. To be saved by Steve Rogers. Captain America. Become an Avenger." he said it in a dark tone. I looked at him with a broken heart. I couldn't say anything. "See my point? You won't even deny. You, were always a selfish heartless bitch who sucks trust and love from people near her. You are a monster. Darker than HYDRA. Your soul is even darker than the blood of the innocents you've killed. Nobody will ever love you. You don't deserve to be loved." That hurt me. Tears were falling freely from my eyes onto my cheek and then slowly onto my heaving chest. And what even worse is that all he said was true. I am a monster. I don't deserve love but I do care about him to the point I'll give up my life. "Its not true. B-Bucky I care about you. I-I love you. Say you never meant this. Say you-- you love me" I pleaded as I looked into his blue eyes. The ones I always felt safe in but now they seemed all different to me. It now felt as if my peace never existed. Rather my thoughts about finding peace in him now felt like fragments of a broken dream. The one I'd never achieve. "I don't love you" he said it, just like that. There was no emotion, no sympathy, just pure hatred and anger. He truly did mean it. I- I don't wanna live. I don't de-deserve it. I broke down into heavy sobs and a sleek metal got my attention. I pulled out his pocket knife and stabbed myself with it right in my chest. He looked at me with dead eyes. It was as if he didn't care. He really didn't. He looked down and slowly got up. Then he walked out of the room as I cried for death to engulf me. A monster. It was then that darkness consumed me but there was a faint sound of someone calling me. 

"Ana. Ana wake up." I took a sharp breath as I opened my eyes and found myself back inside the ship on the African Coast. No. I want death. Why can't I die? Is this what I get for being the monster that I am? Do I not even deserve death? A familiar looking blonde man with short hair was looking at me. He seemed worried. He brought his hand to touch my face but I quickly shifted backwards. He got back.

-STEVE POV- 

After having that weird experience of seeing Peggy and everyone in the dance room, I was left disappointed. It felt real. I broke the promise. Everybody died. But I had no time for this, I had to find my team. I quickly made my way to find everyone. I met Thor on the way who had been carrying Nat. She seemed to be in a trance. "I found her like this. The witch messed up with our heads." Thor said to me. "Take her to the jet. I'll be back." I said and ran off to find Clint and Ana. I didn't what to say to Thor. The Maximoff girl had been in my head too. "Cap, we got a situation. Its Ana. She doesn't seem well" I heard Clint's voice on the comms. "Where are you two?" I asked him. "First level. You need to be quick." I ran all the way to find Clint trying to bring back Ana from her trance. "The twin is messing-" he spoke but there was no time. "I know. All of us have been messed up. Nat is with Thor in the jet, get to her. She needs you." With that said, he left and I focused on the broken girl in front of me. "Ana. Ana talk to me. Ana you have to fight her. I know you can." I tried to shake her awake but she won't reply. 

"Ana. Ana wake up." and she broke out from the trance. She took a sharp breath and looked at me. I tried to cup her face to bring her focus to me but she flinched and started shifting backwards quickly. She was evidently scared. Too scared. "GET AWAY!" she started shouting. "Its me Steve. Calm down." I tried getting closer but she kept crawling away from. "WHY DID YOU SAVE ME?!" "You are my friend." I tried again. "NO, I AM A MONSTER. I HAVE TO DIE." "You are no monster Ana. You saved my life." "B-But he said I am a monster.." she cried. "Who said?" "Bucky.." and she broke down. She was shivering in her cries. It was absolutely terrible and sad. I know Bucky and he would never say that. I slowly walked up to her and engulfed her in my arms and put her head in the crook of my neck as she kept crying. I have never seen her so vulnerable. Bucky did mean a lot to her and so did his words but all this was her fear talking. Not Bucky. "You are no monster", I kept whispering that to her till she calmed down. We stayed like that for sometime till she slowly stopped. I looked down at her and saw her passed out due to the exhaustion. I put the shield on my back and carried her in my arms as we walked up to the quinjet outside the ship.

I got in to find everybody in a mournful silence. I placed her onto a chair and put a blanket on her. I walked up to Thor who seemed to be in a deep thought. "You okay, brother?" I asked. "Still alright. You?" "Same." I know I lied but I just couldn't talk about it. I looked around for Tony but he and Banner were both missing. Just then a message was put on from the controls and we saw Tony's beat up face. "I had a situation here.. Banner situation." he said. "What happened?" I asked as he explained us that the Sokovian girl got into Banner's head and he Hulked-out causing a huge chaos in the city as they broke an under construction building and a mall. Several people were killed. I sighed. "We need some assistance here. The police seems unhappy. You gotta bring the jet and pick up us 7 km from here." Tony said. "Send the location." I took the controls along with Clint and picked up Tony and a weak looking Bruce. "I talked to Maria. Thing are bad. We can't go back to New York, we need to lay low. She already is. We need to till we find Ultron and ready to face him." Tony announced to the team. I nodded. "I know a place. We can go there." Clint offered. "Where is it?" Tony asked. "Its a safe house. You all should rest. Its been a long day." "Ok then", I said and sat next to Ana who kept saying "I'm sorry". Poor girl. The whole thing has hit hard on all of us. Getting to re- experiencing your worst fears and memories isn't the best thing to happen but in the end of the day, we gotta move on and call remember that its a bad dream.