My Soldier (Bucky Barnes)

Natural and Real Than Anything

TW: Discussion on Suicide

-BUCKY POV-

"Because she had tried to commit suicide." As soon as those words left from Steve's mouth, everything became blank for me. I felt a huge tug in my chest, a wave of shock spread throughout my body. The feeling one gets while falling after being pushed off a cliff, it was all I felt. Then suddenly the coldness of losing life erupted from the core of my heart. I just couldn't believe it. Why would she try it? What made her do it? It was then that it hit me I hadn't said anything to Steve. But why? What had exactly happened to her? How was she happy throughout the time if she had gone through something like that? "Why?" I said softly since I was still in shock. "Why did she- she did that?" I said in a broken voice as tears started forming in my eyes. Everyone was giving me a look of sympathy but I didn't want it. It didn't matter. All that I cared of was her well being. Had I made a wrong choice that day of leaving her all alone hoping she could have a better life just for her to try to end that very life? It's all my fault. "Its not your fault Bucky..." Wanda said, obviously she read my mind. 

"What had happened?" "We had a mission in Lagos where we fought off with Rumlow and his team. She had been in the building where she found a kid and his dead mother. She said she had raised her gun at him and would've shot him dead if the walls wouldn't have blasted. Her past with HYDRA came crashing on her. She couldn't control her emotions." Steve said. "The worst being she said she had to do it then. She was overwhelmed with guilt", Natasha said as a tear slipped from her eye. "It was for him that she got saved then. We got her through therapy and all. She was fine but I don't know why that happened... If we don't find her now, she might try it again. I'm sorry Bucky. We failed her and you." I don't blame them at all for it. It was HYDRA who screwed up our minds. I felt a tear slipping from my eye onto my cheek. I don't blame Natsya either. She had no choice. We have to find her. I have to find her, safe and alive. In a bliss- wait. It finally clicked to me. Her spot! "I think I know where she is. Come on." I said and got into the car as I wiped the tear off my face.  We all sat in our cars. Steve decided to drive the one Natsya had brought. As soon as the car reached the Avengers Compound, I got out of my seat and ran towards the lake. 

Steve and others followed behind. I skipped the wet patches on the grass and saw a small figure sitting ahead while facing the lake. I took a halt and turned around to look at Steve who was a little far. He gave me a nod and I softly approached her. She was sitting on the benches while small flames were floating around her in beautiful small glimmers. I walked next to her and saw her doing them with eyes closed. She was getting really good with controlling them. I took a seat on the bench next to her. Her eyes opened but they looked down. "I'm sorry Bucky I shouldn't have left like that" she said with a sniffle. She had been crying. I held her hand softly as it was no more in flames. They were still warm. "Don't be. All that matters to me is that you're fine." "I must tell you something-" "No. You don't have to. You only tell me that when you are ready. I'm ready to wait for you ok?" "Why are you good to me? I don't deserve it." That broke my heart. "Why shouldn't I be?" "Cause I'm a monster Bucky!" she said as she raised her eyes to meet with my eyes. They a fiery glow in them. Almost red- orange till I noticed some tears falling from them. I cupped her face with both my hands. "You see this hand of mine? It's killed many lives. Innocent and guilty, both. If anything, I am the real monster. Your powers aren't what you are. Agreed HYDRA gave them to you making you a kill machine but you have saved even more lives with them. Your heart is kind and that makes you human, not a monster. You have saved lives with your goodness. I hope to do the same. You are every good thing rather than a monster. Believe me." She nodded and then tightly hugged me. It was still a bit unusual for me but more natural and real than anything. "I believe you", I heard her say it softly into my chest. 

I turned to look at Steve but realized that they had left us to be alone. We spent some time in silence but she broke it soon. "Oh fuck. Bucky the shopping bags!" she suddenly remembered. "I got them in the car don't worry." "You drove the car?" "No, Steve did. I don't have a license of this time." We both laughed at it. "I know Steve must have told you about the thing-" "I'll still hear it from you. Like I said, I'll wait for you." She gave me a smile. "Let's go head inside and pack your stuff in the closet?" "Alright let's do it." We headed inside with the bags. I quickly changed into comfortable sweatpants and was soon joined by Natsya. She had worn a long sleeved black hoodie paired with a pair of black shorts. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun while some strands fell softly on her face. She looked beautiful even in the simplest outfit. She cleared her throat to bring my attention.  "What you say, should we start?" she said in assertive tone. We both laughed at it. "Ay ay Captain" I say giving a fake salute but it felt a bit familiar, the salute. As if it was my days in the army. I had remembered a little about Steve and but it was still foggy from my time in the army. I decided not to give it much thought and complete the task at hand quickly. We arranged it together in my room as we listened to some of 40's music on the record player in my room. Steve had apparently left some records for me. 

When we finished with our work, it had become dinner time so we headed downstairs together. The whole team was training earlier so they joined in after they had taken a shower. Steve and Natasha joined us together followed by Sam, Vision, Wanda, Bruce and Tony. Apparently Tony had ordered steak and pizza. Throughout the dinner, the team told the incidents from their training. Sam had somehow failed to land correctly and ended up getting stuck on rod, giving himself a wedgie. It was hilarious looking how his smug expression and over smartness wore off in embarrassment. The team was really good with each other. They even tried at including me in their conversations. Natsya couldn't get hurt by them at all. They were growing on him too. She calls them her family. Maybe I could be a part of it too or they had thought of me as a part of this family already.

A/N: Just to clear some doubt, Bucky is not much like the movies. He is quite open with them but still has tough time expressing it to some. He is still not used to physical touch but will soon settle into it. Anyways I think writing this book is giving me more motivation. I'm already on  23rd chapter! I can't believe it. Although many might think that Anastassia is so sensitive and mentally crushed, remember she is still healing. Bucky got healed with the trauma easily as he did it in his own way and cuz its my book so hence the AU but she will heal too. That's it. Thankyouu <333