My Soldier (Bucky Barnes)

Back to me

-BUCKY POV-

It's been three hours and the entire team had camped up on the hospital floor. Tony had managed to get the entire floor to us for a week so everything was still private from public knowledge. Never had I ever seen Natsya so angry, not even on the field. I couldn't believe what had been done to her by HYDRA and Rumlow. Those motherfuckers touched her, exploited her, messed her up bad. I could never forget them. She is the one person who cared for me no matter what and today, she hit her lowest point. I felt terrible for letting all that happen. Only if none of it had happened... She said she loved me. Past tense, now I am no one to her. It was all my fault. Letting her fend for herself and escaping after the events of DC. I should've been there for her this time, while she'd always been there for me. After she had collapsed in my arms, the ambulance had arrived and I swear I heard one of the doctors say her pulse was dropping rapidly. I couldn't leave her like that. Tears were burning in the back of my eyes all this time.

Currently, we were waiting for the doctors to update. When she wakes up, I will list down the names of the ones who tortured and raped her. Even if they're dead, I'd get them alive and choke the life out of them with my human hand. I wouldn't spear any of them for what they did to my Natsya. "Bucky?" Steve's voice broke my train of thoughts. I looked up at him with my slightly blurred vision due to tears and saw him standing in front of me holding two coffee mugs. He sighed and sat down next to me. "She'll be fine Buck-" "No she won't be. Didn't you just fucking listen to what she told you just three hours ago? Nothing is ever gonna be fine! They messed her up, Steve. She will try to show she is fine but I know she isn't. Its all my fault. I fucking failed her when she really needed me. All when she loved me" Tears and small cries had escaped from my eyes. Steve just put his hand over my shoulder and said nothing. Just then, we heard the door to the operation room open and Bruce walked out with a doctor. I quickly went to him. 

"Bruce, is she ok? Is she- is she fine?" I bombarded him with questions. "Bucky just calm d-" "Don't tell me to calm down! Is she ok Bruce? Just tell me that. Please." I pleaded to him. It was a surprise that he kept his calm with me. "She had a major epileptic seizure and her heart stopped for 77 seconds. She's not eaten for days, so we put her on a drip. She's stable now but we can meet her only after an hour provided, there's no complications that build up in time." he replied. "Her heart failed?" Natasha asked as a tear slipped from her eye. "Yeah. Like Dr. Banner said her trauma caused the seizure and absolute absence of food gave her weakness, like a lot. We've got her stable now. We just wait for the drugs to wear off. If she doesn't wake up in the next four hours, we'll have to put her in induced coma for better recovery. Don't worry she'll be good soon." the doctor replied and then walked off. We turned to Bruce. "Guys, I won't sugar coat things but she's barely fighting to stay alive. As if she wants to die. We'll have to raise her hopes and encourage her to recover as fast as she can. If she doesn't wake up from the coma, they'd declare her brain dead." he answered honestly. 

"When can we get her back to the compound to treat her further?" Tony asked from next to me. "I'd say atleast after a week of her treatment here." Tony nodded. "None of this would've happened if you all hadn't talked about her like that. What were you all thinking?" Tony grimaced as he said in anger. "Tony we were just discussing how she was doing and then we got know that she hadn't been eating enough. We all feel terrible for putting her in this situation. We shouldn't have talked behind her back", Nat answered for all. "Well then, keep your sorry's with yourselves. I don't want her to get angry any further. She had to forcefully tell you all about her reason and that's not fair to her. She wanted to take her time and tell you later." "She told you that?" Wanda asked. "Just this evening. Her therapist asked her to open up about it. Well let's just focus on getting her better for now. And Rogers, stay the hell out of what happens between her and her therapist. Know your boundaries man, learn to trust!" Tony said and then walked away to the reception. The man did really care for her as if she were his family. He was hurt by looking at her state but didn't wanna show it to anyone of us.

God, this was getting even more bad. After 25 minutes, her pulse dropped and the doctors had to give her CPR. She was clearly giving up and I couldn't see her like this. I was now looking at her from the hallway through the glass wall that allowed me to look into her room. My eyes never left her. Everytime any machine beeped randomly, I'd call a nurse and get her checked even after they said it was just an oximeter reading. They were probably tired of me already. I felt someone stand next to me. "Don't be hard on yourself, Barnes. She wasn't angry with you. We were the ones who screwed up, well, except Sam and Bruce. She didn't say anything to them. But, don't sulk, she wouldn't like that." "But I couldn't stop him from touching her. If only I hadn't been there... I could've saved her." I said softly. Natasha breathed deeply. "You did your best at saving her and she gave her best to save you. If anything, she didn't tell you this because she knew you'd blame yourself for that. She knows you very well." I stayed silent not because I didn't wanna talk, but because I couldn't. No words could form from my mouth. If I had even let out a whisper, I would've broken down into sobs.

"You know, when she had first joined, she only talked about you. How you were actually good and not what others thought of you. You are her hero, Barnes. When she was frozen to control her powers, she said that the only thing she could think about was how she wished that you weren't found by HYDRA. How she really hoped you were safe. She really cares about you so, I don't think she'll be angry at you." she tried at assuring me. "Sam wants to stay the night so others are going back. You should come too." she spoke. "I don't want to. I want to stay here for her." I said finally. "Bucky its been a day and you haven't left your spot or eaten anything. You can't stay here for so long." she said. Had I stayed for an entire day? I never realized, and I didn't care. All that mattered to me was that she had to be fine. I couldn't let her alone in anyone else's care. "Bucky, you have to head back. Sam will be here with her. He said he'll notify if anything happens. We need to get you back, ok? You can come back after catching on some sleep. Come one." she said as she pulled me with her outside of the hospital while Sam stayed back. 

On reaching the tower, I headed to my room and sat on floor. Tears spilled out of my eyes which I had tried best to hide from everyone. I didn't want then to see me like this. Natsya wasn't only my partner from my time as an assassin, she was the closest person to me, who I had sworn to protect. Who loved me endlessly. Who I deeply cared for. I couldn't let her drown herself into the deep end of life. The weight of the whole situation was getting heavier and heavier. I will have to get her back. Back to the Avengers. Back to me.