Phoenix's Lies

I Fucked Up

(The Song is for when the two talk at the beginning) 

River

The room is silent as the space swallows my words, my mind finding a reason to worry when I realise what I've just said. The new clue I've just dangled over his head will make him continue to chase me. Even when I know it can't happen. No matter how much I want it. Or the fact that my reason is cracking and my will to keep fighting him on this fading in the face of how happy he makes me. Sighing I close my eyes and lay my head on his shoulder. Not willing to break the spell, even as I realise something that makes my heart hurt.

I've re-fallen for him.

Sighing I can sense he's looking at me but he doesn't say anything, just let me figure my shit out and hold me gently. The unfamiliar feeling of being safe makes me never want to let go of him again. "Are you ok?" He sounds concerned but I don't reply for a second. "Riv?"

I sigh, leaning deeper into his arms as if I could vanish entirely. Vanish somewhere I can be with him and be safe. Somewhere that no matter how much I want to exist will never be real. "No." My words are slow, and tone heavy. "No, no estoy bien. Jodi a mi amado. La jodi y mè anamoré de ti." My tone is sad when I reply to him, lapsing into Spanish again even when I know he won't understand. The words need to be said but I'm not brave enough to tell him or admit them to myself.

Nix laughs when I say that, the sound vibrating in his chest where my head has slipped to rest there as I lose my battle of distance with myself. At least for tonight. "You do know that just because we've kissed and made out a few times I haven't suddenly begun to understand whatever that is you just said little rebel?"

I chuckle, "It's Spanish cabron," I mutter, failing to hide the smile on my face as he rests his head on mine. Both of us were lost in a rare moment of happiness and laughter. One without pain, without anger. Until his words sink in and my smile fades as everything rushes back. "And I know that. I'm just not strong enough to say what I just did to you in a way that you can understand because....not when what I said yesterday still counts against us. Always will."

He's silent but his arms tighten around me then and I can feel how hurt he is, hating that I'm the cause of this. "And I still stay on my side. We could - can - make this work for us and be happy Riv. I know we can." Just like when in the corridor yesterday his voice is laced with pain and my heart aches to agree with him, but I can't. I can't and that hurts more. So much more than I thought it would.

I let out a tormented sigh, not wanting to respond since I know that whatever I say will hurt, but knowing at the same time that no answer will hurt as well. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. "I-I can't Nix. Not if I want you alive. I can't be sure that if I have you love me you'll remain alive so I can't have it. I can't have you love me and be alive, and I need you alive - even if you hate me for it - more than I need you. And I do need you. So fucking much. I need you to stop feeling this fucking ache in my chest and having you near, in whatever way, does that." I sigh, stopping to try and find my words but also keep my emotions in check. "I'm so sorry, it's not you and not entirely all me. It's just a bad case of wrong place, wrong time."

He sighs, letting out a long low breath as one arm stays around my shoulders and holds me to him. The other hand moves as he brushes the back of it down my cheek, making me feel terrible where it shakes ever so slightly. Trying to hold myself together I let out a low tortured breath as he does, my nerves firing like matches one after another. Heat sinking under my skin. "I know you feel it Riv, just like I do. Don't lie."

His soft words make the pain harder to bear, to explain. "I do. I do feel it mi amado, but it's like I said before. I need you alive more than I need how I feel and I can't change that, even if you eventually grow to resent me for it. To hate me."