Phoenix's Lies

Breaking Point?

River

TW: Suicide Mention

The second her back turns I'm tempted to give up. It's hard enough to keep myself upright even with Nix there, the pain in my body is too bad. The shame is too strong for me to be able to block out the voices in my head. The ones telling me I'm not good enough. That I'll never be good enough. The ones given ammo by this last visit to my mother. The last nail in the coffin of the lie she sold me for years.

Limping to the door I can tell he's trying to take my weight but it still hurts where the kitchen knife is buried in my side. The large gash across my other hip and stomach is still bleeding. Swallowing down the pain I try to walk again before my legs give out and Nix just about manages to catch me before I fall. "Hey, are you ok?"

"Not really," I swallow down the pain and try to focus on what's around me. I stumble again seconds before the ground vanishes beneath my feet and I panic for a second. That is until I notice that all he's done is pick me up so he can carry me. The embrace is comforting even if it does rub some of the wounds across my back in a way that's less than pleasant. "Sorry, you had to see that. If I'd have known she would do that I would have gone alone."

Nix offers me a crooked smile that I catch out of the corner of my eye. "And I would have followed you and turned up anyway. I was never going to let you go alone given what happened the last time you saw her and she tried to kill you, Lena too." Nix's words are delicate but still hurt when they hit home. Though less than what we just found out. "It'll be fine Riv. We're ok."

For now, I think glumly, not sure how to tell him how much her words had hurt. How deeply she'd managed to twist the proverbial knife that she stuck in me all those years ago. I don't want to tell him though since I'm not sure what to do with the information. How to process what she said to me even before I noticed that Nix missed turning back to his. I'm about to panic when I notice he's turned onto Ari's street and I realise where he's taking me. Thankful that it's not to a hospital since I would never be able to afford it. Not with El's health so delicate. So balanced.

"She-she might not even be home," I mumble, feeling how the cold seeps into my bones. I shiver once as Nix knocks on the door seconds before Ari's mother Maeve answers.

"Come on in Phoenix. Get out of the cold and let me see her." Maeve's words are so calm I can only assume he let Ari or Hunt know we were coming. Stepping through the door I can feel the warmth causing pricking sensations over my skin. Painful ones where the warmth kisses my frozen skin. The handle of the knife must be hurting him but now Nix doesn't do anything other than hold me gently, afraid to let me go. "Pass her over, I'll have a look."

"Thank you Maeve, I need to talk to the others but I'll feel better knowing she's ok." He passes me over and I reach a hand in his direction before he catches it. "I'm not leaving mi amada. I just thought you'd want me to tell the others what we just found out so you don't have to explain it all again." He offers me a smile and I nod. Thankful that I won't have to rehash it all so soon. "I'll be back when that's done. Ok?"

I nod but I'm distracted by a blazing pain on my side when I do. He offers me a last smile before disappearing, calling for Ari, Hunt or, surprisingly, Ash. I don't stop to see if any of them respond since my energy is taken up with not fainting on the kitchen table as Maeve gives me a look that I know all too well from when she's had to patch me up before. I offer her a tired smile as she shakes her head. Knowing what it is without me having to explain.

"You ok sweetheart?"

I mumble a response but don't focus on it as I see she's holding the handle of the knife. "Go on, it'll hurt but just pull it out all the way. I can take it." Maeve pales a little but nods and does so in one swift motion. Biting down on my lip I try to contain the scream but a strangled sound comes out nonetheless and I blink back tears. Maeve looks concerned. "I'll be ok, I'll be ok." She gives me another look but I feel like she doesn't believe me.