Phoenix's Lies

I Thought You Would Have Gone

River

He says nothing for a while then. Nix's eyes remain on the moonlit water where it shines in the darkness. I don't say anything for a while either. Knowing that were the roles reversed I'd need time to think too. To absorb and process it. Until his eyes find mine again and he gives me a sad look. "The others? You said there were more? Can I ask about..."

I nod, "As long as you don't mind...look I'll just show you ok?" He frowns but I just laugh and sit up enough to take off my shirt. His frown deepens but then he stops as he takes in the ink on my chest, back and other hidden areas. Hesitantly he touches the sun and moon and I smile, "Balance and cycles, for when two people love each other but can't be together." His eyes catch mine and I know he understands me. I smile sadly as his hand moves lower, touching the small of my back. "Anubis. A reminder of people's dark sides, for what happened to my family. To people, I care about."

"And the middle one?" He holds me again, my eyes finding a mirror design on his arm. "Yeah, we share a few of them. "Sorry if that one's also my fault. Seems like most of them are."

He sounds so sad then that I turn and hug him, wishing I could explain to him how wrong he is. "That's not true. Yeah, you hurt me but I hurt you as well. Both when we were kids and now. Neither of us is innocent in this. Me most of all now since I shouldn't even tell you this. I should let you go and have a life without me. Where you're safe."

"I told you I don't want that. You're more important. Please don't make me explain it again."

"The fact that I'm talking to you now proves that," I mumble, hearing his laughter as I feel his hands move again. Tracing the tattoos around my elbows. "Loss of a loved one and strength. For my sisters and my dad hence why I have four - three dead sisters and a dead dad." I laugh then but it's a hard sound to push out. "And I'll explain these as well," I spread my fingers so he could see the chevron designs between my fingers he'd asked about before. "In memory of a dream. The idea that I could control my own life. Even if just a little. As if I have a choice."

Tracing the one around my waist I see his eyes remain on mine. "What does this one say?"

"'I'll dance to my own storm' Hali had that one. Meaning find happiness in your own chaos, escape everyday life and give yourself a break between stress and freedom. Remember to keep looking for the good even when life makes it hard."

I think he'll say something before I realise he's reading the one on my spine under my Anubis one. "'Be your own light in another's darkness'? Do I even want to ask what that means? Or should I know?"

I shake my head and hit his shoulder once, seeing the mock wounded expression. "It's for the people I tried to help. El. Indra. Delia. You. people I tried to do my best to help even if it didn't work." I close my eyes as two tears slip out then, feeling how he holds me so my head rests under his, a soft kiss on the back of my hand to anchor me again. "I'm ok, I'll be ok,"

"What about the others? That can't be all of them can it?" I smile then, thinking of the eight I hadn't mentioned. "Riv?"

"No, there are eight more." His eyes widen and I nudge him again. "I said there were a lot. Remember?" He rolls his eyes at me but doesn't say anything as I move my hair back. He just keeps his eyes on mine. "You already know about the spider web so I won't explain that one again," I feel the top tattoo on the back of my neck and feel his hand over mine. "The moon was for growth, change and time passing, that's the middle one." His fingers trail down and I shiver once before getting under control. "And the bottom one, the DNA, was a reminder. One that I can choose my family, I don't have to be stuck with the crappy one I was born into once it went to shit."