Phoenix's Lies

The Bigger Picture?

Phoenix

School isn't the same anymore. Not the same as it was when I used to look for her. Would spend my time looking for her as if I have - had - a fucking right to look for her. Like I deserved to have a place in her life. With her.

I try to tell myself I meant it, what I'd said before. Wanting to believe it because if I can mean it then I can make it easier to do what she said. No matter how much we both want this it is better - safer - if we don't see each other. If we pretend the past is left where it is so it can't have an impact now.

Bullshit.

I wanted to stay angry. To be mad at Riv like I'd been Sunday morning in my room. Mad enough that maybe I can stay in that headspace long enough that one day it could be true. Maybe one day I could hate her the way I told her I did in the heat of the moment but didn't mean. Never meant in the way I said. But when I'd left and heard her leave the guilt set in. The guilt set in and despite how much I wanted to make it right I was alone. She was gone. I was alone with how bad I was feeling as the pain of her absence spread through me. Seeping into the cracks in my heart that only got worse the longer she looked at me as we argued. A vision that stays in my head even when she's gone. Gone from my view. The hurt in her eyes. Her tone. And then at the bar last night. The way I'd been so cutting and cold to her. So cruel. All because I was hurt, even though I know that's nowhere near enough to excuse how I'd been.

The next day I get into school but don't see her, desperate to apologise for what happened at the bar. To say how sorry I am. But she's nowhere. I scan the school up and down but to no avail. Where is she? Is she not in school again? Is it my fault?

Finally, I catch a break and see Ari standing in the corridor with Hunt, both of them talking in low tones and with worried eyes. "Ari? ARI!" I see her turn and her eyes find mine. Her expression is upset. Angry. "Hey have you seen-"

She slaps me.

Hard across the side of my face I feel Ari slap me hard enough for my head to turn. I'm stunned, head reeling. "You have a lot of balls to ask to see her. Asshole." She glares at me, "What do you want?"

Wow, not that I was expecting a warm welcome but that is cold. Though not entirely undeserved. I was cruel to Riv. but I wish I could make it all better, the guilt eating at me. Wishing I can see her and apologise so maybe even a fraction of the guilt choking me will relax. Relax around my neck enough to breathe. Let me breathe.

Ari frowns, scanning me. "What no comeback when you're sober and called out for all your shit?" Ari keeps her eyes on mine and I can see she's trying to remain angry, probably as a show of her friendship with Riv, but I can see the worry in her eyes. Hear it in her tone when she puts a hand on my shoulder, Hunt having vanished when I arrived. "Nix I'm worried about you."

I sigh, "I'm fine Ari, I promise."

She shoots me a look I can't read. "Now you and I both know that's not true. Want to explain?" I keep quiet at that, not sure where Ari is going. "Nix, I've seen you the past two weeks. You're like a walking zombie. Her too. The difference is you have an on period." My frown deepens and I see her shoot me a haunted, sad and worried look all in one. "On the field Nix. You seem to shift into a hyperactive mode, the complete opposite of the rest of the time. As if you're trying to self-destruct before whatever is hunting you, whatever you're running from, does first. What happened?"

I roll my eyes but don't answer Ari. Let her figure out what she thinks is right. Fuck what I think right? Ari must have all the ideas. The truth. So what can I do but let her figure her shit out and get back to me when she has it all figured out.