Phoenix's Lies

My Side of the Story

Phoenix

"Ok," Riv's response has me confused. What was she meaning? I frown at her but don't speak as she seems to think through whatever she wants to say. "Ok, I'd like that. It's nice not being alone anymore." She snuggles up more then and I hold her gently. Revelling in having her so close. "It's nice to not be alone."

"You didn't seem to be when I came back. You have Ari. Hunt. People I saw at the track. Even little Lena despite her being so young. What do you mean about being alone?" I don't get it. What did she mean?

She smiles sadly then, eyes holding a world of pain that despite what she's explained tonight I fear I've only scratched the surface of. "They never knew Nix. No one does." She sounds tired now. Like she's run out of energy with her words. "No one knows."

"Knows what?"

"The whole story, well besides you that is." She offers a tired smile then and I stop. She'd been keeping that shit bottled up for how many years?! "I didn't want to tell them since I knew how they'd react. What they would do. I was too busy trying to protect the people I care about to risk them getting on my mother or even worse the Spades' bad sides. Never mind what happened to me in the process. In my mind, it was worth it." She looks up then, eyes catching mine. Pulling. "But now I've told someone I realise I can't live like that. I didn't need to. I wasn't alone anymore. Even if I had been. For a long time."

I sit there, holding her as I try to figure out what to say. How to express what is in my head. "Why did you feel like you couldn't tell them? That you were alone? They would have helped, same as I want to. What was different then than it isn't now?"

She looks sad then and I hate knowing that my words caused it. Nestled in my arms Riv sighs and rests her head more solidly against my shoulder. "Because they wouldn't understand it. Not like you could. They tried with what I told them, Ari and Hunt, especially, but they still had it easier. Not like you and I did. We understand that darkness because we've lived in it. Survived in it. Battled it day in and day out to keep going." She traces my spiderweb tattoo again then and I shiver inside. Hating why it's there. Who I was and can still be when my anger spirals out of control. How badly I can hurt people despite never wanting to. "Hey, are you ok?"

I nod, holding my breath. "I want to talk now. To explain what happened." I glance back at her, seeing how her eyes fixate on me. "Can I ask you what you did with me? To listen, think and then respond?" I want to tell her, the pain and secrets bubbling up so fast I can barely keep a lid on but I have to know she'll listen first. Just like I did with her. "Can you.....can you promise that Riv?"

She offers a sad smile and threads her fingers through mine in the hand that wasn't around her shoulders. The one she leans into. Just take the other one between both of hers until she holds me. "Of course. Go on. I won't make you, just say what you want and remember I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." I try to find what to say, to put how I felt into words but I can't. I can't explain how it felt. "Hey, take your time. If you're not ready we can do your side another day. I'll wait. I promise."

"No. No, it's ok. I'm ready, I just didn't expect it to hurt so much." I mumble, seeing how she watches me with a sad expression. Sighing I keep trying, feeling how she holds my hand tighter between hers. Trying to make me feel better when I know the pain comes from what's already happened. "The hard part is I don't know what happened the same way I wish I could say I do."

She gives me another unreadable look but doesn't speak. Stays close and listens. Waiting to see if I can figure out what to say.

"I hated our fight before I left but it's like you said we didn't have the time. I wanted to believe we did and yet before I knew it, the time was gone. The opportunity passed and all you had was the lies people told you about me. About what happened. And I hated that. I hated knowing you were just there out of reach those last weeks. Had I known I would have talked to you before. Explained it. I just didn't think time would run away from us. That it would break so far so fast."