Phoenix's Lies

A Losing Battle

(Song is for during the scene with River's Mother)

River

Two Days Later

TW: Abuse and Self-Harm

Two days have passed since then. Two days since I spoke to Ari and I still haven't seen either hide or hair of mine and El's mother. Something that usually causes me to feel relieved but now has me feeling so nervous that I'm sick with nerves. My insomnia has taken off to an all-time high as every small noise in the house becomes a threat I have to watch for. Have to feel like I'm ready for it.

I hate it.

I hate the constant paranoia. The out-of-the-blue jumpiness has me reacting violently more often than is necessary and usually to people who don't deserve to be on the receiving end of them. But until either enough time passes or I see her I can't find it in me to react with anything less. Until something happens to resolve my tension, whatever the something is.

"Hey, are you ok Riv?" Mal - Malika - my friend and co-worker's question snaps me out of my daze and I blink at her blindly, my lack of sleep causing the room to spin for a second until I shake my head and the dizziness clears. "Riv?"

"I'm good Mal, just tired and trying to conserve enough energy for tonight." I give her a look then as she frowns, I do the same. Doesn't she know? She was Michael's cousin and the only other person besides Ari's siblings that knows about my.....hobby so to say. Maybe he didn't tell her? Maybe she doesn't know?

Until I see something in her eyes that shows she understands what I am talking about. Instantly her tone shifts to a more worried one. "Are you sure you still want to go? If not I'm sure we can reschedule if your not -"

"I am ready," I cut her off before she can carry on and finish making a cocktail I've been shaking and handing it off to the customer. My smile is bright and false. As they go I drop the act and see her frown deepen, eyes telling me she isn't buying my story. "I have to be ready, Mal. I am ready."

"You know it's not the end of the world to pull out and do another one. On a different day as well." I frowned at her then and she gave me a disapproving look, "You're not ready. I can see it. Anyone with two eyes can." Frowning deeper she surveys me with disbelieving black eyes, her curly hair of the same colour in a bun behind her head. "Just pull out Riv."

"And lose my spot? My rep? You know I can't do that Mal. I have too much riding on this to be able to give up every time something goes to shit. Or when my shit gets tough. I'll make it. I just have to get changed and eat when I'm all done here. Are you good to go get the car?"

She sighs, sensing possibly that I'm not going to be budged on my decision before she smiles and accepts the set of keys I throw at her, the ones for the Camaro that I have and forgot to return to either Michael or Ash after I almost raced last week. "Michael's just finishing her touch-ups and then she's ready. Told him to drop it and wait at yours until you got home?" She throws the keys back at me and I catch them with one hand. "That ok?"

I smile and put down my stuff as my shift finishes and leave. Mal gives me a thumbs up and secret smile before I slip out into the back room and then into the chilly October evening, the cold wind kissing my exposed skin as I pull my sleeves down and start my walk home. Stuffing my hands into my pockets and keeping my head down to avoid being seen as I've still not resolved my issues with Derek. Something I can only hope he hasn't told my mother about or I'll be in deep shit. Deeper than when I'd been after the other party. More than anything I've done in a while since it will be seen as deviating from her plan for my life. Something I need to avoid doing if I am to keep moving forward to get me and El away from her. For good. So I can give El the better life that she deserves. The one I wish I could give her.