Phoenix's Lies

Mi Amado

River

The second the doors close I feel the noise of the party fades. Swallowed by the silence between us as we just stand there and try to figure out how to make it through this time in the dark.

"Are you ok Riv?" True to what I remember about him from when we were kids, Nix doesn't push me to say anything. Just let me stand and keep a hold of his hand in the dark to ground myself. Patiently waiting. "I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have mentioned it and I hate that I upset you. That's why I tried to find you after you left, to apologise. I'm so sorry."

Biting my lip I shakily raise my hand and drain the bottle in my hands, holding it as I let out a shaky sob and he takes the bottle, putting it on the floor. Closing my eyes I feel for his shoulder with my free hand. Finding it I place my head there and let out a low sob as he holds me gently, arms around me and making me feel safe.

"I'm sorry to mi amado. So, so fucking sorry that I have to keep hurting you like this. I hate that I brought it up. I shouldn't have, but it hurts too much to ignore what I know is true. Even when I know no matter what I do to change it, it'll never happen. I'm so sorry I keep hurting you, it's killing me slowly inside to do it but I need you alive too much." I pause, finding the words in my muddled head. "I'm just afraid."

He says nothing for a second before he speaks up in the dark, "Afraid?" He sounds confused but also thoughtful at the same time. As if my words have taken him by surprise. "I didn't think you were afraid of anything. Not like the rest of us are."

I smile sadly in the dark knowing he won't see. "I never used to be. I never was until I met you. Then I did as you became my whole world outside of my family. More than the others, even Ari, you were the one I wanted to see. To spend time with. To be with forever. I guess that now after time apart I'm just afraid that whatever I was worried about when we were growing up would eventually come true. Has come true."

Seconds of agonising silence pass as I try to find the words to carry on. To explain the fear that's always plagued me my whole life. The one that I can't lose, no matter how much time passes. The one that still hurts even now. Even after all this time.

But instead of doing what I'm afraid of, Nix just holds me gently as if he's worried that I'll shatter should he apply too much pressure. Like I'm fragile, delicate. Special. A set of feelings that for the most part, I've grown to hate, besides the last one that I've been without enough that I haven't realised how much I've needed it from people outside of Ari, my friends and El. Feelings I've missed and grown to hate since my dad died but that with him feels so natural. So right, just like everything else besides the fighting that's happened when we're together. "What do you mean Riv? What were you afraid of?" His tone is soft but his words hit home more than I will ever admit. To anyone.

But they're not entirely true. "Are," I whisper my voice small and tone broken as the weight of my shitty life collapses on me. Just like when I talked to Ari outside the last party I'd gone to. "Are afraid of Nix. it's the one fear I could - can - never shake." He's quiet now, waiting for me to finish whatever I've started. Knowing that I need to before it either swallows me or he goes cold again. Distant like before. "I was worried that eventually you would wake up and see me how I see myself, for who I really am inside which is broken. Broken, damaged, defective and worthless, among other choice words that I won't say but I know are true," she tells me that is true, I think, choking back a sob at it, knowing that after all these years of trying to pretend that she's wrong, I know now that my mother is right about what she's said. What I am. I take a breath, close my eyes and finish what I'd started to say. "I was worried that would happen and that... that when that happened you'd leave me. You'd see it and you'd leave. You'd stop talking to me. You'd hate me, get bored of me and get too annoyed by something that you'd leave me for good. Just like everyone else, I was worried you'd grow to resent me. Hate me. That you'd leave me and I'd be alone, just like I deserve to be."