Phoenix's Lies

A Perfect Mix of Betrayal and Heartbreak

River

After the conversation in the hallway with Nix I can't face going to class. I'm crying and about two seconds away from a breakdown. His broken screams of my name are like knives into me, cutting into me again and again as I clap a shaking hand over my mouth and run into the nearest restroom. Collapsing I drop my stuff and manage to make it so that I'm sitting with my back to a wall, knees up and arms around them as I try to hold myself together as huge, ugly sobs rip out of me with enough force that I almost throw up as my heart cracks. Again and again.

Pulling my sleeves over my hands I hide my face into my drawn-up knees and scream, just like I did in the rain weeks ago. Scream out the pain in my chest that feels like thousands of glass shards are digging into me again and again. With every breath I take. Every time I breathe the pain gets worse. Like someone hitting me between the ribs with a hammer. My chest aches. My stomach churns and I'm almost violently sick. I've never felt a heartache that is so physical it was tearing me apart. Dull pain radiates all over my body.

Fighting to breathe I clamp a hand back over my mouth as a banshee-like wail threatens to come out as the full implications of what I've just done sink in. This time I threw up. Repeatedly. The metallic taste of vomit and my tears had me throw up violently again and again as my whole body shakes. Dull pain radiates through me as I'm forced to wrap my arms around my body to stop myself from reaching. From reaching for the person I just left screaming and crying for me in that hallway but I am already having to fight myself not to return.

I don't know how long I sit there once my body is done making me throw up in reaction to what I've done. My heart shattered again and again until it's just a pile of broken shards sitting in my chest. Digging into me deeper with every passing second, cutting holes that I know will continue to bleed. To scar. Not sure how long until I hear the door open and someone comes in. Shaking and shuddering with the tears I attempt to gather myself but it's a losing game since I'm still crying and my body seems to have gone into shock and isn't responding to me. "Who...who is it?" My voice shakes and for once I'm so numb, so irreparably damaged that I don't care who it is. I just want to be alone.

"Riv? Where are-" Ari's voice comes over my shoulder but cuts off when she notices me, my tearing eyes not letting her form come into focus properly. "Oh Riv. What happened?" She sits next to me, arms around me as I lay my head on her shoulder and continue to cry. "What happened babes, you both look like someone died."

I take a breath and try to gather myself enough to explain to her what just happened but it's impossible. In seconds I've burst into ugly tears as Ari holds me, burying my head more securely in her shoulder as I remember how good it feels to be with him. How right. Until reality intrudes and I realise what I've done. When I realise why we can never work since I refuse to be the reason he dies. I knew it would be as soon as my past caught up to me but I loved him too much in the past to drag him with me. Too fucking much that I loved - love - him but have a past that's full of enough complicated shit that means I'm already too messed up.

Eventually, though, I calmed down enough to think. Only that hurts more since the longer I think about what just happened the more I want to scream. To scream and cry or else go back on what I said and do what I swore to myself I would never do again: drag someone else I cared about into my shit. Especially when it can get them hurt or worse killed.

"What happened babes? Are you ready to try and explain it to me?" I hiccup a laugh but even that seems more like a sob than I'd healthily like to admit. "Please at least try Riv. I can't bear to see you like this. Either of you, but he won't talk to me. Just cries silently and stares into space."

And it's my fault. I think, the voice of inadequacy yelling at me again as I crack a little more. "I-I fucked up Ari. I fucked up and I don't know how to fix it." I don't even know if I ever can since I'm sure that once Nix snaps out of his numbness he'll hate me. And whilst that's what I had been after, realising that it might happen hurts more. Enough that I almost throw up again as the realisation settles over me. "I fucked up and I lost them."