Phoenix's Lies

Nightmares and Feeling Broken

River

The day after Nix confronted me I broke, ever so slightly more than before. Pushing me further toward when I'll break completely. I break and let go of that last secret, something that I'm sure made him reconsider the meaning behind my tattoo. The NEDA one I said was for my sister, and it was. In part. But it was also in part for me. Is in part for me.

It makes me feel ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't be strong and keep that secret to myself. The one I knew would hurt since I've seen the pattern too many times to count. That one secret always comes out and causes the person that isn't to blame to blame themselves. For not seeing. Not noticing. Not figuring it out sooner before it's too late. For not doing more to help with an issue that isn't theirs to fix, but because they care.......because they think like that.

I know he blames himself. I could see it in his eyes. When I'd said it I could see how Nix was blaming himself for not seeing it sooner. For not figuring it out, even when it was only because I wrongly hid it so well. A part of the legacy of abuse my mother left me when she broke me inside but tried to rebuild it. She may have had her issues and still does, but I'm the finished product. The masterpiece she created by trying to fix all the wrongs in a way that meant I was without a lot of things in life. Things that I never had. That meant I lost so much so young, even if some of it later came back, just a little different because I was.

I was damaged. Am damaged. Broken. Warped and ruined in a way that goes deeper than the scars I can hide under clothing. They're the easy ones to hide. The mental, emotional and psychological ones are harder. The ones linked to habits I can't break. Mindsets I can't shake. Fears I can't lose. Like the one that she'll come back and take him from me. Or that the man I've been running from will find those few left who are dearer to me than even my friends. The few he can hurt me with. Libby, El. Nix.

Looking over I see he's fallen asleep the same as I have, his face looking more peaceful than I've seen in a while since I let loose the past. Open up and let him choose, even if now I'm worried it hasn't been the safest option. I knew I wouldn't change it. All because I refuse to turn into the person who ruined me. Even if he didn't see it, she did. She ruined me. For good.

"Hey, don't look at me like that," Nix opens his eyes and frowns when he notices me studying him the way I'd been doing by accident. I sigh and slump down again where I'd sat up when I'd woken up. My head rests back on his chest so his heartbeat sounds in my ear, Reassuring me that he's here. He's alive. "Hey, are you ok?" Now he sounds concerned and I know he's remembering what I said last night.

"I'm sorry about what I said. I shouldn't have. I know how it made you feel." He looks as though he wants to deny it but I shake my head with a sad smile. "I can still read your expressions and I saw yesterday's. Don't pretend and make me feel worse about it than I already do."

"Worse?" He sounds confused. "What do you mean R?" He sits up a little then and I sigh, doing the same. "What do you feel worse about?"

"I saw how you looked at me, Nix. You blame yourself for not figuring it out. For not helping me. I saw it. Don't deny it, it doesn't make it any better." I swallow down the tears then, knowing that whatever I had been about to say would only have made shit worse. "I'm sorry, sorry that you think that. I....I...."

"Don't do that either," He sounds firmer then as if he's trying to control his anger. A bad habit I remember he had when we were kids thanks to a volatile temper. I think about recoiling back, my survival instincts from dealing with my mother screaming at me to just look sorry. The way I feel. He seems to catch the expression shift and takes a breath, his tone lower but not entirely free of anger. "Don't shut me out please, I was just shocked yesterday that's all. It was a lot of new information. Yeah, maybe I did since you've stayed with me on and off for how long now? Maybe I did feel a little responsible for not figuring it out but that doesn't mean what you said is true." His tone is softer when he seems to let go of the anger. The pleading is somehow harder to hear. "Please don't leave me again. I know it's a selfish ask but I need you, Riv. I can't go back to the emptiness. The hole inside. I can't survive it. Not this time. Not again."