Deceit in their silence - Completed

Thirty One.

 I'd turned the music down and sat on the floor beside it. I didn't feel like going to bed yet. I was happy here with the whiskey. I had sobered up a bit but I still didn't trust myself to stand up right now and yet I was still drinking. I was listening to some random playlist I knew the songs but it was such a random mix.  

I watched the crystal drop chandelier hanging low on the ceiling. It looked pretty hung up with the lights on. I'd turned them off at some point, leaving the lights on in the corners of the room. It was darker but I could still see clearly. Okay the chandelier is making me dizzy. 

I sung along quietly whilst playing with the tulle of my dress, running my fingers through each layer and admiring how the sparkles changed in every piece. I loved this dress. I remember being furious when we split that I wouldn't get to wear it.  

I remembered talking to the girls as we got ready for the new year eve party. We had been convinced he was proposing in the next few weeks.. All the signs were there and we had spoken about getting married, our future together. Maybe he was planning it and we just ended up breaking up before he got the chance. 

The room got lighter and I looked up tot he back of the room. 

"Oh. You're still up?" Jaxson walked into the room slowly approaching me. 

"Yeah wasn't tired." 

"And why are you sat on the floor staring at an empty glass?" 

"I was trying to work out if I wanted another one or not. I'm starting to sober up." 

"Did you decide?" I shook my head no. "Well how much have you had." 

"Probably way too much." I smiled and put the glass down. "I think we went through like 6 bottles of wine between us, half a bottle of vodka and I have definitely had more then 3 glasses of this." 

"And your sober?" 

"I feel it." 

"When did you stop drinking?" 

"When the girls went to bed." 

"You've just been sat here since?" 

"Yeah."

"Len that was like 2 hours ago." 

"What time is it?" 

"Like 4am." 

"Why are you up?" 

"I heard the music." 

"Oh sorry I can turn it off."  I grabbed the phone and disconnected it. " Wait why are you wearing your jacket if you were in bed?" 

"I didn't say I was in bed. I said I heard the music. I was outside having a smoke." 

"Ah." I nodded. 

"Do you need a hand up?" 

"Yes please." He smiled slightly and held his good hand out for me. I took it and he pulled me to my feet. He didn't let go of my hand. Instead he put his other arm on my waist and started dancing with me slowly. There wasn't even any music playing. 

"What are we doing?" I asked quietly.

"Dancing." 

"Why?" 

"Because why not." I furrowed my brow and he smiled. "Do you remember when I taught you the Waltz?" I nodded that had been a fun night. We had left a family party early and we were home alone when we had only been dating for 5 months or so. He spent hours showing me as we danced around his garden under the stars. I remember that being the night I knew I was in love with him. I didn't doubt it anymore. 

"Of course I do. I told you I loved you for the first time." His hand moved up to the middle of my back and started slowly. 

"You did." He smiled "I said it back." I nodded and looked now towards our feet. I couldn't see them with how close we were and the dress. "You bought the dress for our engagement party?" I looked up at him quickly almost loosing my feet in the dance. 

"Well we all thought it was coming." I felt my cheeks flush red. Drunk me had a big mouth. 

"It was." 

"What?"  I stepped on his foot from the shock. 

"It was." He shrugged his shoulders. "I'd already spoken to your dad and mine." I stopped completely now. Standing exactly where I was. "Don't stop." I looked into his eyes. 

"You just told me you were going to propose a year ago Jaxson. That is not the small news you're acting like it is." He pulled me closer and started moving again, forcing my feet to move with him. 

"I'm not saying it wasn't a big deal." His pace slowly started to speed up. "You should've save the dress." 

"Why it was just sitting in the closet gathering dust" 

"For what you bought it for." 

"For our engagement? It didn't- oh." I looked at him. "Jax-" 

"I've told you I'm not letting you go again. I'm not going to ask you yet. I just wanted you to know. I'm deadly serious about that." He started spinning and I was glad that I was sobering up.  If he had come in 2 hours ago I would be throwing up. 

"I know we said we're taking this slow but I know why you're struggling with this. Its because even though you think we're moving at the right pace for you it's moving too slow and you're worried I'm going to leave you or something like last time is going to happen. It isn't. But I don't know how else I can convince you other than being honest and open with my intentions." 

"I am going to marry you Lennox. There isn't a question about it. I'll eventually propose with the ring I bought you and you will be my wife. We will have the life we had planned together and it will be like this past year never ever happened." I was getting lost in his baby blue eyes now as we spun quickly. 

"All of this going on in your head will not matter then. This panic that you're not enough for me has to stop. You're everything I want. I want you pinning my friends down by their throats and scaring them shitless. I want you stitching me up after a bad fight." I raised my eyebrows at him and he laughed "Okay fine no bad fights." 

"I want our kids to learn how to fight like you, to be strong like you, powerful like you, dramatic like you. I don't know how I can show you how much you mean to me. You're my whole universe and I want to spend every single day convincing you of that. Listening to you laugh tonight was the best sound I had ever heard. Every time I heard you I smiled and the boys kept asking me what I was smiling at." He stopped dancing as we stood in the middle of the room. 

"I love you Lennox. I never stopped then and I never will." He slowly let my arms drop and I just stared at him, processing everything he said. I grabbed his face with both of my hands and pulled my lips onto his. Hard. 

"I love you too." I let go of his face and he smiled before picking me up bridal style. "What are you doing you're going to pull your stitches out." 

"They're fine. Just be quiet and don't over think."