His last thought

22| Leave

"You should go talk to him." My mom tells me as she gently plays with my hair.

I don't respond.

"Morgan, come on." She says and stands up. She pulls me up with her and we both start walking back to Caleb's room. When we walk in I see Kate laying with him, and his eyes instantly open when the door does. Kate walks out with my mom and I sit at the end of the bed like usual.

"Sorry you found out that way." Caleb says and looks down. "I'm really sorry. That must have felt pretty shitty."

"Yeah." I say as I wipe my nose. "I guess you were right."

"I knew it since they started me on 24 hour chemo."

I just nod and we sit there in silence.

"So, less than a month?" I choke out.

"I'm trying not to think about it."

"Okay." I say and nod off.

"I'm going home though. Tomorrow, I think." Caleb says and smiles.

"I know you don't want to talk about this right know, but what are you going to do when you run up to that line?" I ask him. He looks up to me and sighs.

"Go with the flow, go with whatever life does."

"You're not going to even consider the surgery?"

"No." He says and scoffs. "I'm dead either way I guess."

"How much have you thought about it though?"

"Too much." He says and takes a deep breath. "Can we change the topic?"

"I've almost died before too." I say and ignore him. "But I've never gotten there like this. I'm still here if you need to talk, okay?"

"I know."

"So..?"

"So what?"

"Are you going to talk?" I ask him.

"How did you almost die?" He suddenly asks.

"Um, a blood clot leading to my heart. I died, I guess but I'm good now." I tell him. "What else?"

"I don't know if you heard, but the tumor just reached my bloodstream. My body is literally killing itself."

I turn my body around so I can lay next to him. I rest my head on his shoulder and grab his hand.

"I hate that I did chemo again. I hate that I'm dying and I'm dying bald. They put me through a week of hell just for me to fucking die again."

"Stop saying that you're dying." I tell him.

"But I am?"

"I'm losing my best fucking friend." I say and look up to him. "Your mom is losing her kid, Adams losing his brother, but me?!" I yell. "Caleb, I'm losing the first person I actually loved."

"Loved?"

"I guess, yeah."

"You can't." He says and looks away. "I love you too, but you can't love me. I really don't want to hurt you."

"Hurt me?" I ask. "We're both so fucking damaged. I can deal with it."

"You cried when you found out."

"Reasonably." I tell him. "Caleb I-"

"Please go home Morgan." Caleb says softly.

"What?" I say and sit up straight.

"Go home Morgan. Now."

"No."

"Just go home-"

"Goddamn it, Caleb!" I yell and start crying. "Okay; you're dying so you don't want me to get attached and break my heart when you die so you're doing it now when you can control it, yeah?"

He doesn't respond and sits there in silence for a while.

"Get out, and go home." Caleb says sternly with a few tears in his eyes.

I get out of his bed and grab my jacket from the counter.

"Fuck this. Tell me when you get home." I walk out and slam the door behind me. I don't go home right away and stop at Kates. When I walk in, I don't see her anywhere. "Kate?" I start yelling.

"Up here!" She yells. I follow her upstairs and walk into Caleb's room.

"What are you doing?" I ask as I smile. I see her sitting by Caleb's bed with a beer in her hand.

"Cleaning up his room. He's coming home today." She says and wipes her eyes with her sweater sleeve.

"How are you taking all this?" I ask her as I sit down next to her.

"It's killing me." She says and I hug her.

"I don't know how to take it either." I tell her.

"He really likes you." Kate says and wipes her tears again.

"He just yelled at me and told me to leave because he loves me that much." I say and she looks at me confused. "He doesn't want me to 'hurt' when he dies. I don't care what he says; it's going to hurt."

"I know." She says and hugs me again. "You're coming with me to get him."

"When?"

"Now." she says and stands up. I stand up too and we both walk out to the car.

"You know Calebs acting like he doesn't care about this."

"He's been weird about this for a while."

"I know." I say and look out the window. "You know his doctor was mine? Dr. Lynn. She did everything she could with me, saved my life. If that's all she could do, it's all she could do."

"Caleb signed the DNR. (do not resuscitate) That's why he's coming home. The surgery was too risky too."

"He signed the DNR?" I ask her confused. "He didn't tell me that."

She stops the car and see that we got to the hospital. My heart was racing the whole walk to his room.