Tell Tale Heart [Pierre Gasly]

Chapter Fifty

It's a long one...so buckle in! Could possibly have split it into two short chapters...so consider this a double update? Idk...

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The race started out awfully for Pierre as he was forced to start from the pit lane following a failure of his car before the race but by some miracle he managed to make it from the pit lane to P9...in an Alpha Tauri and in Singapore which was more than a little unexpected by everyone and honestly I think it was one of the best drives I'd ever seen and given the tears he shed in private I could tell he seemed to think so too.

The next couple of months pass by fairly easily all things considered. It wasn't easy per se, especially not mentally...but it was better with Pierre and the new settings, he was much more aware of what I was doing and looking at. Always making sure to grab my phone off me if he saw me on Instagram for too long and making sure to make sure that I always thought through what I said yes and no too, asking twice normally to try and figure out what my real answer was - not what my default people pleasing answer was.

Suzuka sucked...that was beyond a panic attack, that was sheer terror as I watched Pierre's onboard intensely. I was in the garage for the race as there was no point me being around the track because we couldn't see anything through the rain—which was sign number one that they shouldn't be out there on track, meaning that I was anxious to begin with.

Then the moment I saw the tractor on the corner of the track, my heart dropped out of my stomach and I had to go back to his room to stay out of the eye of those around me - not really wanting to have a public panic attack in front of my colleagues and bosses. The second time in the space of two races I watched as Pierre almost lost his life driving and I knew at the end of each of those days that part of me died inside both of those days as I was forced to realise that I wasn't just dating Pierre...but I was dating a formula one race driver.

I could hear him yelling and talking loudly in the garage from his driver room and later saw footage of him walking around the garage restlessly like a lost puppy as he ranted about the situation, equally agitated as I was. Eventually, Pyry had directed him to his room where he had quickly pulled me into a hug and held me close and I could feel his heart beating through his racing suit - proving my point that he was terrified as the tears fell from his face in privacy. I didn't really manage to get many words out of him but what I did get was that he felt like he 'saw the last thing Jules saw'. It had never occurred to me, I don't know why, about Jules. I knew about Anthoine because Pierre had talked about it in the run up to Spa and the night before...but he had kept quiet in the run up to Suzuka and then for almost a carbon copy of Jules's accident to almost happen to him...well, it terrified me and I didn't know Jules - Pierre did because they were both French drivers. Everyone knows about Charles and Jules but for some reason it totally drops off the radar for Pierre...given his reaction, it really shouldn't.

I found strength in that moment to be strong for him, stroking his hair as he held me as tight as necessary, trying to calm him down; succeeding briefly before we found out he was being called to the stewards because they were trying to shift blame. That had infuriated both of us equally and I spent the next ten minutes anxiously and angrily ranting to Chiara now that I didn't need to be calm for Pierre. My anxiety getting so bad as I dug my nails into my skin until he came back and said that they were kind of right but that other drivers and general public backlash would mean that their part to play wouldn't be forgotten or forgiven easily. After that, it was a waiting game for the race to restart as we sat in the garage and talked with people, Pierre's hand gripping firmly on my knee to ground and calm him as I tried to gently rub my thumb over the back of his hand to do what I could to take away his pain at the thoughts of Jules eight years before.