Tell Tale Heart [Pierre Gasly]

Chapter Fifty-Six

Long chapter! I didn't edit that closely so sorry but hope you still enjoy!

*****

I had wimped out.

Now don't yell at me, I know you will be but I couldn't look. Instead I opted to keep it snapped shut and fall asleep, somehow knowing that looking is the worst possible thing that I could do right now. The next morning I put it back in my bag and avoided the room and the temptation for the whole day.

I focus on the weekend, moving through, failing to convince every single Alpine team member to let me give any of Pierre's stuff back, more desperate than before because I didn't want that book to stay in my possession, the urge to look was growing. I even tried giving it back to Nyck but he also just blanket refused to take it, clearly knowing what was inside. I was beginning to feel desperate but took to avoiding my room which was easy because we quickly moved onto the next location as soon as the first race ended. Yuki got P9 but sadly Nyck finished P11 and had little time to ruminate over it as we flew out that Sunday night to Saudi Arabia. Some people stayed behind to celebrate after the first race and others were headed back to Italy for some work at the factory but I went with Nyck and some of the rest of the team to the next location.

Having switched some of my holiday days into grief leave I was being asked to take some the week between the two races and I had agreed, not needing to save them up and really needing the mental reset. So I slept for the first day, spent the second in bed and just watching TV. Day three I got bored and went around one of the markets a couple of miles away from where we were staying and then went running in the gym. Day four, Nyck and I went into the desert, something he suggested and I very quickly said yes to, a need for a change of scenery overwhelming me. It was a lot of fun as I spent time getting to know the driver properly as it was just the two of us, he was sweet. Sensitive. Very passionate about Formula One and just enjoying living the dream that he thought was over for him given his age. There was something very charming about that and I found him quite warm and easy to talk to.

He filled me in on his ex's and I filled him in on mine, giving him more insight as to what was going on in my head, something that so far only Chiara had been allowed access to. "So, what's with him not accepting his stuff?" He asks as we settle outside, away from the rest of the group and the guides in the middle of the desert, both lying down on a rug on top of the sand as we looked up to the sky and stared at the stars. Far enough away from any air pollution to affect our view of the spectacular sky, so clear we could actually see the Milky Way galaxy.

"Your guess is as good as mine," I mutter as I lift my phone up, missing my old background photo for a minute before finding my way to Instagram. We were lying in opposite directions but with our heads on the same level and so I took a photo of the sky and posted it on my story before taking a selfie of us pulling ridiculous faces and sharing that on my story too and tagging him with the caption. 'Reset and refocus time' before clicking it shut and looking back up at the sky. "They all say the same thing each time I ask...he will just send it 'back home', as though that's not exactly what I'm trying to do," I say, feeling the frustration building as I let the hot desert sand fall between my fingers. It felt like a riddle that I was too dumb to solve and I knew that the answer was right there but I just couldn't find it. It was just out of my reach no matter how I tried.

Nyck just swallows and I immediately get the feeling that he's also in on this secret. That Pierre is still playing games, just on a much bigger stage and with a lot more pawns than I have, my main issue being that I don't want to play games. As far as I'm concerned, I've already admitted I lost. I bowed out and as much as I miss it, as much as I miss him, I can't go back because I don't know how to keep myself intact as I do so.