HOME - Taejoon

28. Here and there

End of November, beginning of December, and everyone seemed to disappear into silence. Under that context, Taehyung knocked on the door of the large white house, southeast of the city, which had several bicycles parked outside: his parents' house.

After reading the mail from the exchange office more than a dozen times, he had made up his mind. He rushed to be able to recover his credits and complete all the requirements he had pending and, taking advantage of the change in times to present the finals before the rest of his classmates, he decided to take a week off, ready to be used for no other purpose. Returning home.

He needed familiar words.

That's why that day he was knocking, waiting for his mother to open the door and see him like that; He was left with barely the necessary clothing to be able to withstand the snow that already covered the entire sidewalk, with his eyes swollen from having cried so much the last few weeks in a mixture of stress and depression, and of course those tremors of his own from when he was too nervous about a hug.

However, the surprise of the day was seeing that it was actually Mr. Kim who opened the door. At first, he could not recognize his own son, but when he saw that it was Taehyug he hurried him inside. He explained that his mother was not there as Taehyung's youngest brother was having a math contest and all the brothers had come out to watch him compete while Mr. Kim was left waiting for his packages of hockey equipment. They were planning a family vacation for Christmas, and he was effusively trying to encourage one of his older children to stay for the holidays. However, Taehyung discovered other plans.

"Exchange?! And why hadn't you said it before?" Mr. Kim reproached, handing a cup of hot chocolate to Taehyung. The two were sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace. The house was small but cozy, with soft cream tones and new painting on top of all the Crayola drawing Taehyung's little brothers had done to the walls.

"I'm sorry." It was the only thing he could say, anything else about it would inevitably make him talk about Namjoon, and it was the last thing he wanted at that moment.

Mr. Kim looked away and shook his head.

"For how long?" he asked at last.

"For six months, nothing very serious, I just want outside experience, you know, meet new people and get to know new places and stuff." Taehyung responded calmly, beginning to feel the warmth penetrate his skin and melt into his soul, protecting him against what was still outside the house: endless, cruel snow.

Mr. Kim sighed and seeing that the fire died he knelt down to fix it; However, Taehyung was faster and soon he was already crouching helping to put more wood and moving it near the flames that threatened his face. His father's gaze was on him.

"But you never liked going away from home, not to mention another country."

Taehyung went shy at the accusation, laying with his fingers on his lap. His father noticed his demeanor and didn't believe when his son answered:

"I guess people change, don't they?"

Mr. Kim wasn't having it but decided to be smooth when intervening. If his son wasn't going to reveal his reasons, he wouldn't force him, however he suspected there had to be other ways to know why exactly he was leaving, all for the sake of knowing if he was stable enough to go away for long without committing stupid mistakes along the way.

"And what does Namjoon think of all this?"

And there it was, the question he feared so much. Without meeting his eyes, Taehyung stood up and returned to his place to simply stare at the fire.

"No matter what he thinks, it was his idea."

"What do you mean it doesn't matter? he's your boyfriend." His father was so easy to read, sincere about everything for as long as Taehyung could remember, but there was a weight of resentment in those words.

The Kim family knew that Namjoon was secretly homosexual, and they didn't like him at all: They had already had bad experiences with their eldest son's partners, and they didn't want history to be repeated with someone who, despite seeming to be the great love of his son's life he did not openly accept who he really was. Taehyung thought about it as he responded:

"Right now, we're not having contact." Mr. Kim clenched his knuckles slightly and nodded, he knew it was not necessary to ask since his son had the habit of letting loose by talking in his presence, a habit that he shared with his mother. "He hurt me and for now I prefer not to be with him."

"I take it then that you're running away." His father conjectured, without asking what he meant by 'hurt', because he thought that in itself was not a pleasant topic at all.

"I tell myself I'm not, but I think so...although this was always like this."

"What are you talking about?"

"Namjoon planned the trip to run away with me, because he was tired of hiding, and so was I." He meant it sincerely, which is why he was offended when his father let out an ironic laugh; He turned to look at him with fear, but he continued laughing.

"Then he should talk to his family, not run away and drag you with him, don't you think?"

He hadn't thought of it that way. He remained silent, looking at the ground, his father approached and caressed his back. Upon feeling the familiar touch, he couldn't help but lean back with his father, not hugging him, but wanting to feel her close to him.

At that moment he was grateful that he was his father and not another, that he had been with him despite everything, despite the religion that the entire Kim family professed. With that thought, he turned to the crucifix placed above the fireplace next to a photo of his grandmother, with flowers and candles. Taehyung smiled suddenly, remembering. In that house he used to be very afraid, until he wasn't anymore.

It was more worth seeking encouragement from his family than avoiding him out of fear. Reflecting, he regretted that Namjoon wasn't like that, but again, he didn't have the same luck. Taehyung knew it, just as he knew that was his reason, no matter how silly a reason it may have been. Namjoon may have loved him, but he loved his fear more. That love led him to look for others who didn't scare him so much.

Yes, maybe that's how it had been. Taehyung closed his eyes and asked God to help him, he confessed to still loving him, and prayed that he would be happy on his journey, in some way.

While he was meditating, his father let him go and smiled at him; Taehyung smiled back.

"Thank you, father." Taehyung said. Mr. Kim nodded slowly.

"You don't have to do it now, but I would say, talk to him. Not to reconcile, but to do good for the person who shared so much with you." His father spoke calmly, then got up from the couch and went to the door, because the sound of an engine turning off and at least six different voices began to be heard.

And said and done, a few minutes later Taehyung saw his mother enter covered in jackets with her four and five younger brothers behind her. It took a few seconds, but finally one of his sisters saw him, which created a chain reaction that ended with everyone hugging him like crazy.

In the end his mother received him and, just by seeing his eyes, she knew that he needed to stay. She said that he will stay in his old room with his two brothers and after Taehyung accepted, she promised to cook her favorite dishes to celebrate his visit.

A few hours later Taehyung was already in bed with the whole house silent, when he decided to go down to the couch; There, sitting with only the light of the candle that was for his grandmother, he called Namjoon.

He rang once, then twice, then three, then four times. Then the voicemail, and as soon as the bell finished ringing, Taehyung left a message.

After doing so, he looked at the cell phone in his hands for a moment. A few seconds later he left it on the coffee table and went upstairs to sleep.