still, none the wiser (poetry)

flame

like an object that moves only in the

shadows of a flame,

i feel as though i am not living.

i stand right next to you, listening,

but i am so far away.

i talk to people as though

i am already a ghost.

as though i am no more than a small

existence, even though i have existed

as myself for all my life.

i fear that i am doomed to forever be

but a brief moment.

and i fear that you could never

understand this.

so you can hate me for pulling away,

and you can hate me for not

loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

and believe me, i will hate myself for it too.

i will be so far away, and i will be a ghost

and i will hate myself for not loving you

good enough.

but, that doesn't mean i never loved you.

♧♧♧♧♧

there is more to living than bearing

a beating heart.

i think you are the more.

you said you could stay with me forever.

you promised to hold me in the dark, during

the storms, after the end.

always.

but, you can't keep a grasp on something

disappearing.

you told me never to apologize to you,

so this is not a sorry.

this is a goodbye.

and a thank you.

thanks for loving the parts of me i gave you,

and for not tearing at the parts

of me i couldn't face.

even though i feel like i am not living,

i don't think i'm dying either.

so maybe, one day, you can come back for

me.

and maybe then, i could be alive enough

to give you my all.

until then, i will be something still, dancing

on the walls behind a flame,

and i will be without you.

-V

(ofc would love to hear what you think of this one!)