one minute || h.s

forty

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Hallie.

Alcohol was a funny thing at times—well, most of the time. With me, it either made me really high, or really low. Tonight started out as a high. I was smiling and laughing with the other guests, everything just seemed so good. At ten o'clock, I was definitely sloshed. The booze made my body light and airy while also making my muscles and my bones and my skin vibrate heavily. Everything was good. For some reason though, a reason that I do not recall, I opened up the internet. Everything went downhill from there. When I first saw it, the photoset, I didn't—couldn't believe my eyes. I thought for sure it was an illusion. A drunken illusion that I'd made up. It wasn't. At some point, I ended up googling his name and that was that. Pictures of him kissing her, of her kissing him...my blood was boiling, or maybe it was the alcohol, but either way, it felt as though my head would explode. More pictures appeared and it was Nadine following him into the bathroom an then it was closed and I felt incapable of doing anything. Nothing seemed even remotely doable, at this point. I dialed his number and delivered five or so calls to his phone, all going straight to voicemail. I may have left a message but if I did, it didn't register.  I think at some point, you hit this wall and it's like, do I allow myself to sink right now, or do I thrust myself into something equally as hurtful? Everything, our entire relationship seemingly meant nothing to him and with the thoughts that were spinning around in my head, I guess it didn't for me either. But the hurt, the hurt and the anger was all-consuming and traitorous and painful and when someone called my name, it just went in one ear and out the other. I wanted to go home. I wanted to end things with Harry and I wanted to kiss him and tell him that it was okay, that we'd be okay, but it wasn't okay and we wouldn't be okay. He cheated. He cheated just as Adam cheated. He hurt me just the way he said he never would. He cheated the way my mom cheated on my dad. He broke us, he ended us. I wasn't sure whether it was the alcohol or the burning, heart wrenching ache in my chest that made me do what I did next. Julian was smiling with a blonde at the bar top and he just looked so good, even though there were, like, three of him. I staggered over and when his eyes fell on me, his interest in her seemed to diminish instantly. Maybe it was because I looked like an absolute disaster or maybe it was because he found me attractive—I wasn't sure, really. All I know is that his lips were practically calling to me and when I kissed him, he kissed me back, before pulling away, of course. "Hallie, Hallie, stop, honey...hey..."

"What? I want to kiss you, Julian, let me kiss you!"

"What about Harry, Hal? I don't want to be that guy..."

"You're not—he's—he's that guy. He cheated with Nadine, like—just now? Yeah, well, tonight he did. In New York, he cheated and I saw..."

"Oh, Hallie..." I didn't want his pity. I didn't want him to question my sanity in this moment I just wanted to kiss him.

"Just kiss me, Julian..." He kissed me, just a short kiss though before pulling away once again.

"No, no, not here. Come on, let's get you home. You're just—you're too far gone right now, Hal and you're going to regret this in the morning."

"I—I don't wanna—wanna go by myself, I don't wanna be alone, Julian, don't let me be alone?" His eyes were filled with something I couldn't quite decipher, especially in my current state.

"I'm not going to let you go home alone, I'll be right next to you, all night if you want, but not here, okay?" I nodded, and somehow, minutes passed without me even really knowing what was happening. Upon walking out the front entrance, we were greeted by a few stray paparazzi who immediately went crazy when they saw me. I barely even blinked. Nothing was fazing me. I was a brick wall, emotionless and broken and drunk and as Julian held me close and pulled us both inside the car—some car—I let the world fall away. I didn't care where I was or where I was going or who I was with...I just wanted to get as far away from the pain, as far away as I could get from the hurt and the hole in my chest...as far away from Harry as I possibly could.