one minute || h.s

forty-four

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Hallie.

I think, at some point after being hurt twice in the same way by more than one person, and then watching my parent's marriage collapse due to the same sickening betrayal, I had entirely lost sight of what love was, or what I thought it had been. The aftermath of Harry hit me hard. Then that following week, the pictures of him were posted and I watched a different girl go home on his arm every night and that's when I hit this wall, like, we were no longer together. We were no longer anything. He was in my past—I didn't have the safety of his friendship any longer. I think that's what killed me. I was hurt and he was the first person I wanted to call. I wanted to call him and cry to him and have him make fücking cheese toasties while I complained about my problems. I wanted to tell him that there was this boy and he broke my heart. I wanted to tell him that this boy was my everything and that he destroyed me. I wanted him to tell me that he'd take care of it. I wanted him to defend me and protect me but he couldn't protect me from himself. He couldn't save me from any of it because he was it. He was the boy that broke my heart. I laughed in between my tears as my mind, drunk from too much wine, went over the sheer ridiculousness of it all. It was comical, really. The dial tone on the phone call I was making sounded four times before a pretty voice answered. "Hallie?"

"Hi..."

"Hey..." He sounded surprised and I just felt like, fück it.

"Hi—um, drunk, yeah. I'm drunk m'pretty sure..."

"And you're calling me because you're drunk."

"I'm calling you because I realized—I realized that there isn't any such thing as, like, a good guy?"

"Hallie..."

"And I think that...love...love is the worst thing in the world cause it hurts a lot and I trusted it with you and I trusted it with Harry but it's all wrong and it hurts and I guess, like, m'calling you cause it hurt less with you. Like, lesser of two evils, right?"

"I'm really sorry about what's going on with him right now. I'm sorry that it's all happening. You deserve so much better than what we did to you."

"I think after a while, like, maybe it's my fault or something—"

"No, stop. Do not do that. It happened because we're assholes...and no offense, Hallie...he's a bigger asshole than I am."

"I know he is." I knew he was. "I miss you, Adam." I knew this was stupid and pathetic of me, but I was drunk and Harry was whoring away in Los Angeles and I didn't think it was a very bad thing, to tell my ex that I missed him. Like, I was drunk.

"Something tells me you're going to regret saying that in the morning, but I do too. I miss you too, Hallie."

"So...like, I'm in Napa cause me and my dad are gonna have, like, a really good Christmas and my mom is pregnant and so it's just the two of us—"

"Wait, wait...what? Your mom's what?"

"Oh...yeah. She fücked some young lawyer back home and now she's pregnant so like, it's just me and my dad."

"Jesus, Hallie..."

"Yeah, I don't wanna talk about it, like, ever so, can we just...can we not?" He was quiet for a few seconds.

"Okay, yeah. We don't have to talk about it." I felt relieved as he continued onto a different subject. "So, you're in Napa for how long?"

"Indefinitely, I think...don't have any place to go and all my things are still at home—well, at Harry's and I just can't see him so I'm just, like, sitting here."

"How are you going to get your things?" 

"Dunno...guess I'll wait until he's not in Los Angeles?"

"That's a terrible idea, Hallie."

"Well, it's my only idea."

"Why don't you have someone go and get them."

"I don't know."

"Yeah. Maybe, well, maybe if you wanted me to..."

"You don't have to do that, Adam."

"I honestly don't mind...I'd rather get your things for you so you don't have to see him."

"Yeah?"

"Yes, Hallie." I couldn't help but feel like he was a makeshift defender, a similar Harry, pre-relationship.

"Okay. Yeah. Okay. I'll get him to pack everything up and then I'll let you know."

Harry.

Tonight had been so different than the previous ones. Instead of a massive party or club, I was alone, slightly inebriated and laying half naked in our—my bed. When Hallie's face, a goofy picture I'd taken of her months before, appeared on my home screen, I thought I'd throw up but still, a smile grew in hopes that it would be a positive phone call.

"Baby..." I answered, my voice more slurred than I had expected.

"I need you to pack up my things." And just like that, my heart fell back down and my smile disappeared.

"Just—can we just talk about this—about us?"

"Someone is coming to pick everything up, so I need you to have it ready by Sunday night."

"Why can't you just come here so we can talk?"

"Because we're done—we're over. You made that very clear this past week. You made it entirely clear that we are over."

"I was an idiot...I thought you left me for good."

"I didn't! I said I needed time! I told you that I needed to think about things! We weren't over, Harry!"

"Hallie, I love you. I love you and I need you..."

"I don't need you. I don't want you. I love you, Harry, I do. I'm still so in love with you, but I don't like you."

"We need to get through this, we have dogs and Jude—but, like, I like Jude, we're snuggling right now..."

"If you want to see the dogs then that's fine. You can do whatever you want, they're your dogs too. But Harry, we're done." The room became blurry due to the tears dripping down my cheeks and I wanted nothing more than to just hold her right now.

"No..." I continued to cry, my voice a pitiful mess.

"Have my things ready by Sunday night." The call ended and my heart broke. And seemingly, so did my entire world.