Legacy Diaries

Rafael's Diary Entry No. 1

Salvatore Boarding School Gym
Rafael's Diary Entry

A month and a half; that was exactly how long - how short - it took for me to sleep with another girl after killing the love of my life Cassie. As I laid next to 'another girl' - Elizabeth "Lizzie" Saltzman - catching my breath, the guilt and self-loathing that I have felt since that fateful evening came back and increased exponentially.

Firstly, I killed Cassie. No matter what everyone said, no matter what Cassie's mother, Landon and the investigation said, I killed her, because I couldn't control my anger and jealousy; and I didn't listen to her about how I drove and I ended up causing the car accident that took her life but spared my unnatural one.

Secondly, I betrayed Cassie by reciprocating Josette "Josie" Saltzman's kiss, and then again by sleeping with Josie's fraternal twin sister Lizzie after I failed to protect Landon and keep him at the school.

How could I go on living when I killed Cassie? How could I send off Landon on his own in the morning when he is my brother in all but blood and he stood by me in my darkest of days, which haven't passed and only seem to be getting darker and darker?

Hope Mikaelson didn't get it. Josie didn't get it. Kaleb, or whatever his vampire name was, didn't get it. Landon was my brother, my best and only friend. He was the reason I didn't commit suicide when I woke up in that hospital bed and found out Cassie died. Landon and I were the only people we had, and they voted to send him away, to separate us.

How could I have sex with Lizzie? How could I not?

I didn't deserve to be alive. I didn't deserve Landon in my life. But I was alive and Landon was in my life and Hope, Josie and Kaleb decided to take him away from me. I wanted to hurt them for that. Them and Jed.

I didn't plan to sleep with Lizzie. It never crossed my mind that I could use her to hurt Josie.

Lizzie came on to me, and I couldn't resist, I didn't even try because I needed to blow off some steam before I ripped off someone's head, preferably Hope's, Josie's and/or Kaleb's head, and when she proposed that I not think about it, I couldn't help but give in because I didn't want to think, that was why I came to the gym in the first place, and think, I did not.

There wasn't anything romantic about it, the sex, it was just raw lust and raw need and raw desperation with zero thoughts and one hundred percent action. It was mind blowing and body rocking, it was freeing, but now that it was over and my anger was subdued for the time being, the guilt and self-loathing were back with vengeance because I was pretty sure that I took advantage of Lizzie.

She was vulnerable when I found her, genuine teary eyes vulnerable, and she called herself the worst person in the world. Not only did I kill the love of my life and fail my best friend, my brother, I also took advantage of a vulnerable girl I just met.

If anyone was the worst person in the world between Lizzie and me, it was definitely me, and I needed her to know that, it was the least I could do, other than apologizing, something that seemed wrong to do right now. 'Sorry I just had sex with you' sounded terrible, especially while still naked, so -

"About what you said earlier, you're not the nicest person in the world," I told her with a whisper, although I wasn't looking at her. "But you're not the worst person in the world either."

"How would you know?" Asked Lizzie after a Moment, her voice small, quiet, vulnerable. "You don't really know me."

"You're right, I don't know you," I concurred. "But I know that you needed a friend when I found you in here, not someone to take advantage of you when you were vulnerable and didn't want to be alone."