Things I Can't Say Out Loud

a broken promise

That day, you made me promise that I would be okay without you, so I did. I thought it was strange, but I trusted you, so I did.And I tried. I tried so hard to be okay, I tried so hard to keep my promise ,I swear. You were the only one who knew how I felt, the only one who asked, who noticed...and actually reached out. You reached out and you pulled me out of that hellhole of my own mind everytime I fell back in.

But then, that tragic day, you were gone. And I tried. I tried to be okay, and I'm still trying everyday, but it's so hard. It is too hard to smile and pretend that I'm doing alright. And I used to at least have your shoulder to cry on. Now I have nothing but a pillow to swallow my tears.

I miss our conversations, I miss watching you at work in the living-room downstairs, I miss sitting on the porch next to you and looking at the trees, I miss...every little thing we used to do, the moments and memories that we shared, and it's hard to admit it, I miss you. And those things I can't do anymore, they remind me of you, and it hurts even more. So much that my heart aches and my throat hurts just remembering and thinking of you.

I tried to keep my promise. I tried so hard to feel better and when I didn't, I tried to pretend. Put a mask on and fake a smile until the pain goes away, but it never did. But I can't anymore. I am not okay... and it seems you were the only one who cared enough to notice and help. But now you are gone... and you've been for a while.

I want to be by your side again, but you'd hate me if I came looking for you now wouldn't you? The only thing that is keeping me alive, is the fear of disapointing you...