today i wanted to do it. i wanted to attempt. i wanted to but i didnt i know i would hurt ppl but would they really care? i like Kolin. i like him a lot but i dont know what to do. i want to drink so bad. i want to forget. i want to get away. i want to be free. i want to be away from this state. im scared of graduating. i scared of losing the group that i have. but i know i would hurt them more if i committed. im not going to do that yet. not right now. not until i find my purpose. but the real question i have is if i even have a purpose in this world. i held a knife in my hand so tight i wanted to make myself bleed, i wanted to feel the physical pain i have in my heart. i want so many scars that i have on my heart so i can feel me. but if i did that, i would look ugly like my heart. im an emotional person who wants ppl to see that im not the girl i once was, i want them to see that i have scars. not on the outside, i want them to go deep and see the scars i have on my heart. ive been damaged from trauma, sexual assault, manipulation, and the pain of the break ups of ppl i loved for real. i want them to see that im breaking at every scar i have on my heart bc idk if im willing to make it to the next lifetime i have. the hurt, the pain, and the scars that i have are breaking me where im scared to walk across that stage bc i didnt do it for myself, i did it for others so they could be proud but im not proud, bc i never got what i wanted. they get their happiness in the end and i didnt, i just got relief of carrying so much weight from them so they could be happy. the only thing i ever wanted out of senior year was to be happy. which will happen i will make that happen before i go. i dont want ppl to be hurt bc of me. i want ppl to be happy that i tried my best to be happy in this world, even tho i couldnt find mine. i want ppl to know that i fought hard to make ppl happy without them realizing that i wasnt happy when i was making them happy. i care a lot abt my friends and family but in the future they will know why i left and i why i wanted to. if i dont find my soulmate thats okay, i always knew no one would date a girl that is emotionally, mentally, and physically scarred like me. i have a lot of problems but the things they would miss out on is a girl that would make them happy, care for them, be there for me, be loyal to them, and try to let them understand that i would love them till death do us apart. i might not get married or have the kids i want. but at least i tried to make something out of this world. tomorrow will be better. im going to walk across that stage and become something and be proud of it. no more running, no more turning back. i will do this. to make them happy. and to hopefully make myself happy. cheers to me for being the strongest i needed to be to make it through this.
May 26, 2022
Thursday
Graduate(18)
9:42pm
YOU ARE READING
My Diary
Non-FictionI am not doing this for attention, its to share how my life was going and how it Is going now. A lot of things I have written were a lot of things. When I vent this is how I vent. I only have myself in this world. I can't tell anyone else but I am w...
