Freaks and Geeks - Season Too!!!! (SATIRE!)

S02E03 - America, What a Town (Part 2)

Nearly 30 miles outside of Chippewa, the Weir family found themselves waiting at the busy Saggy Jowls International Airport. Lindsay, Harold and Jean looked happy and excited, waiting for their special foreign exchange student guest to arrive so they could show them the glory of America. Sam, on the other hand, appeared bored, looking around from time to time to see if there was any excitement before going back to reading an article in the Chippewa Charmer newspaper about a local resident, Two-Fisted Tommy, found by the police having a tea party with raccoons. Again.

Finally, an overhead page announced the arrival of LOT Polish Airlines flight 278B from Warsaw, Poland. The Weir family whooped and hollered as their new housemate, Madia Nassing, made her way towards them. All of the Weirs, that was, except for Sam.

The Weirs, again without the participation of Sam, held up a large, hand-painted sign that Harold and Jean had worked on all by themselves. As they told their children, it read 'Welcome to our lovely country!' in Polish, but something about it just didn't read right to Lindsay. She was right, too, but by the time she researched it and found out what they had actually written, it was too late to warn them... so she just went with it.

Madia Nassing was a very beautiful young girl, but she was never allowed to look or dress the way she wanted to at home – her mother just wouldn't allow it. The way she had to dress to appease her mother was very plain, and there was no makeup or fancy hair allowed. A slight frown covered her face as she slowly, anxiously walked through the airport with her temporary chaperone. Her hair pulled back in a ponytail, the dreary, drab outfit she wore and not a dab of makeup on her face made her immediately feel as if America was going to reject her, as all of the women she passed tried to look their absolute best. Manicured nails, gaudy jewelry, sunglasses that covered most of their faces, makeup galore, not to mention frizzy hairdos. This was the real America, the real freedom, that Madia wanted to experience, not school. As they continued, she caught sight of the only sign written in her native language, but the message was rather confusing. "Witamy w naszym śmierdzącym dżemie!" she read the sign aloud in Polish. Turning to the balding, impatient Polish government official who had flown with her to America, she asked, "What do dey mean with dat shign? Why do dey shay 'Welcome to our shmelly jam!'"

The government official simply looked at the sign and shrugged. "Americans are... shtupid."

Before the two could arrive at the suspected host family, they were swarmed with a gaggle of local reporters who needed something, anything, to keep their rags afloat.

The Weirs watched on as Madia and the balding man answered question after question asked of them, one reporter even shoving their microphone directly into the Polish government official's nostril.

"Warshaw. My home is in Warshaw," the girl answered for perhaps the fifth time.

"Nadia Masshing-" her chaperone began before being cut off.

Madia fake-coughed loudly and gave him a stern look. "Ixnay on da 21 Jump Street TV show name," she whispered. "You have to change da fhirst letters of my fhirst and last name around, remember? Da author dinks it's a brilliant trick... even doe it isn't."

"Right," he agreed, looking slightly embarrassed, "Madia Nasshing is an honors shtudent and involved in athletic activities. She has very stretchy legs, like da Stretch Armstrong toy." His voice sounded high and nasally, mainly due to there still being a microphone stuck up his nose. "She looks forward to her four-week shtay with her hosht American family. Dey are apparently da ones with da shmelly jam."

"Madia! Madia!" one reporter yelled, garnering the girl's attention. "Can you tell us what the essay was that brought you here."

"Oh, no," Madia began, "you shee, it was an airplane that brought me here, not a piece of paper. It's jusht not shtrong enough, and don't get me shtarted on the lack of aerodynamics a paper airplane could provide to bring me here."

"No, I mean, what did you write your essay about?"

"Oh, oh, I undershtand now. Yes, da topic of da esshay that brought me to America was a comprehensive look at what da typical Black Friday shopping days might look like 20 years from now. I titled it, 'Waiting in line for 36 hours to buy some new product da day it's released, and missing all da family dat came to eat da turkey you overcooked'. Very compelling shtuff, I've been told. Der's even mentionings of tramplings and ghoshts. You Americans love your ghoshts and-."

"Da government of Poland wanted me personally to inform all you Americans dat Poland has ghoshts, too," the balding man quickly chimed in, cutting Madia off. "They are not all yours, you know? You're not all special or supernaturally gifted, alright? Greedy Americans. Come to Poland and see some Polish ghosts, why don't you? Spend your American cash in our beautifully haunted country."

The entire Weir family continued to watch from the sidelines and wait for the press conference to be over so they could head home with their very own foreigner; Harold and Jean nodded their heads in agreement that ghosts were not exclusive to America.

"Oh man, c'mon! Just look at her..." Sam said, sounding utterly disappointed as he leaned over to talk to his sister. "This is, like, the total bummer of all time."

"I thought she'd be just your type, Sam," Lindsay admitted with a light snicker.

"Why?" he questioned with a curious look on his face. "I'm already dating one of the most popular, newly-created girls in the school! Didn't you read my parts from the last episode?"

"Yeah," his sister replied mockingly. "And your new girlfriend is nuttier than squirrel shit."

Sam sighed and shook his head in a display of further defeat. "Yeah... I know. At least she's not some boring Warsaw chick, though."

"Being selected as the host family is quite an honor, Sammy," Jean suddenly uttered, speaking to her son in a chastising, yet quiet tone. "Besides, this could be a lot of fun. She might teach us how to hunt animals with nothing but our bare hands... or how to make cockroaches do housework."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Girls that win contests in school are not fun, unless it's like a Monty Python or Star Wars knowledge contest. And even then, I can just see my fragile hold on masculinity dry up into nothing if that happened. Madia looks like a total dork-city... and that's coming from a geek!"

Harold, visibly irritated, shushed his son loudly and long..ly. So loudly and longly, in fact, that his eyes became bloodshot and nearly bulged from his head, his face reddened, and spittle flew from his lips with the amount of force he exerted. "Quiet down, boy! We're doing this for America! For world peace! To strengthen international ties!"

Scrunching up his face in disgust, Sam rolled his eyes again and huffed, "I think I'll defect."

"You know, we had a girl in our school defect to Canada one day. You know what she's doing today?"

Before Sam, Lindsay or even Jean could reply with the obvious answer of asking if she was dead, Harold angrily hissed out the rest of his story.

"Nothing! Because she died! On her way to the border! Stubbed her toe and fell off a cliff, and her body was eaten by bears. Ravenous, cuddly, Bernstein Bears!"

Jean and Lindsay joined Sam in sighing and rolling their eyes at Harold's death stories.

As everyone calmed down, Sam found himself examining the exchange student's body from afar, thinking to himself, Wow... her rack is way bigger than Sandy's. Maybe if all chicks from Warsaw have big'uns like those, I really might defect.