Freaks and Geeks - Season Too!!!! (SATIRE!)

S02E01 - Cut Day (Part 7)

Outside of the cafeteria doors, Sam and Sandy were holding their protest signs, psyching themselves up for their mission.

"Okay, Sandy, the delivery guy'll be here any minute, so you and I are gonna have to block the doors by ourselves."

Sandy nodded and smiled. "We can do it! It's not how many of us there are, it's how much we believe!"

Sam scratched the back of his head, giving her an awkward side eye. "That actually sounded really stupid, girl. You so stupid."

"Is that a compliment?" She sounded genuinely flattered.

"Um, sure, I guess. Okay, let's start protesting!"

For minutes their signs bobbed up and down in the air as they shouted out their war cry, 'Save our lands, drink from your hands!', and walked around in tight circles, sometimes accidentally smacking one another in the face with their signs as they turned. It didn't take long for the delivery man to arrive. At first, he tried to push his way passed the two, but they were more resilient than he gave them credit for, stomping on his feet and yelling their slogan directly in his face. He then tried to outmaneuver them, but Sandy's intense color guard training helped her cut him off at every attempt when he was able to fool Sam.

Behind the three, the cafeteria doors opened and the lunch lady briefly watched what was going on, a lit cigarette sending wisps of smoke into the air as it was tightly gripped between her lips. She clapped her hands together, gaining the attention of all three individuals and raised her hands up, motioning for the delivery man to throw her the box. He did so and she caught it with ease, silently turning around and disappearing back into the cafeteria.

"No..." Sam whispered, violently shaking his head from side to side and momentarily breaking to take a bit of his turkey hoagie.

The two teens were visibly dejected, much to the delight of the exasperated delivery man. He could clearly see they felt as if they'd failed and, as he exited, he laughed, waving them off and telling them to try harder next time.

Angered and slightly peeved that his sandwich was so dry, Sam snapped his protest sign over his knee and ran after the man, releasing an animistic scream and stabbing him in the back with the jagged point of the broken sign stick. The man screamed and fell to the ground, squirting blood from his wound and immediately attempting to crawl away. Astonished at the turn of events, Sandy gasped in horror and stared at Sam as if he was an entirely different person.

Worried that his actions had changed how she viewed him, Sam wracked his brain to look for a fix. Suddenly, he remembered he had a pack of Mentos in his pocket. He quickly pulled them out, popped one in his mouth and smiled at the color guard leader.

There was a long, awkward silence as Sam stood completely still, the Mentos melting in his mouth and the pack held high in his hand while his smile began to quiver. Groaning and bleeding, the delivery man continued to crawl away while Sandy sustained her horrified stare at the two. Suddenly, slowly, the Mentos jingle started to play all around them, fading in on the intro.

Doo doo doo doo, doo doo, doo wah! a chorus of singing voices from nowhere sang.

Sam's smile strengthened as an altered version of the song began.

Sometimes murder is fun

Fresh goes better with death

With Mentos fresh, you'll have great breath

Nothing gets to you

Murderin', staying cool

With Mentos and a handy knife!

As the chorus rang out, a grin spread on Sandy's face as well and she playfully shook her head at Sam's wacky, Mentos-vindicated antics.

Death goes better

With Mentos freshness

Death goes better

With Mentos and a handy knife!

On cue, a monotone, yet unnervingly cheery male voice beamed out the cherished catchphrase, 'Mentos, the freshmaker!'

"Thanks, John Grove!" Sam cheered, resuming his assault on the delivery man while waving Sandy over to join in.

Within 30 minutes, the delivery man was dead and Sam and Sandy walked down the hall together, smiling and giggling at what had transpired.

"Thanks, Sam. That was really fun and I feel like we made a difference!"

Sam grinned. "Well, we might not have stopped the delivery, but we made sure that guy won't hurt the planet anymore!"

"Yeah, we did!"

The two hugged and pulled apart a minute later, looking each other in the eye.

She smiled and kissed his cheek. "Well, I gotta go. There's still one class and I'm not gonna miss the first ever Cut Day! I'm gonna go set the delivery guy's vehicle on fire!" Her eyes grew wide and she looked filled with happiness at the idea.

"See you next episode, Sam?"

"See you next episode, Sandy."