Freaks and Geeks - Season Too!!!! (SATIRE!)

S02E01 - Cut Day (Part 5)

Neal slammed his locker shut, holding the spare pair of long-johns he had in them for emergencies. Being forced to spontaneously load your tighty whities with ten pounds of diarrhea was definitely an emergency. Quickly, he ran to the bathroom and changed into them, attempting to flush his pants and underwear but only managing to clog the toilet and causing it to overflow. Panicked, he grabbed his shit-stained underwear and threw them through the open bathroom window, going to wash his hands a second later. A pained yell echoed into the bathroom from outside and Alan's angry voice could be heard screaming, 'I was just puked on and now someone threw their shitty underwear in my face?! What the fuck?' Stifling a laugh, Neal scampered from the bathroom.

"Do you think Sandy likes me?" Sam asked Bill as Neal joined the two in their stroll down the hallway.

"Hello? You said she hugged you and wants to make protest signs next period! That's basically having sex! You should make sure she isn't pregnant now; you guys are too young for a kid," Bill exclaimed.

"There's no way she's actually into you!" Neal countered. "We're not her species."

Sam scoffed. "You said the same thing about Cindy Sanders and I still dated her! Listen, just... do me a favor. Ask around, see if she has a date to next week's dance. She-" He stopped when he realized that Bill was humming a familiar tune beside him. He groaned as the hummed version of the theme from Night Court became crystal clear.

"Not again, Bill," Neal whined. "Why do you have to hum that? You know it makes you think your imaginary friend is around."

"He is around!" Bill defended angrily. "He showed up because you guys were ignoring me for a good two seconds. I felt totally alone!"

Neal, still holding his hand over his eye and wiping puke and spittle from the front of his sweater, shook his head in disappointment and continued his conversation with Sam. "Okay, the dance is next week- she's the leader of the school's color guard, you've seen Revenge of the Zombie Headhunters seven times. Do the math."

"Yeah," Bill chimed in, talking through a bite of pumpkin pie that somehow appeared in his hand, "that's a good point, but maybe Sandy's a fan of horrible horror movies, too!"

"Yeah right, Bill," Sam sighed, then realized his friend was holding an entire pie and eating it without a fork, smearing globs of filling and Cool Whip on his face. "Where did you get that?"

"Pumpkinhead Ned," Bill replied, citing the name of his imaginary friend and licking as much of the Cool Whip topping off his face as he could manage. "I hummed him here, remember?"

"You're about to hum on this dick, Sam Weir!" Alan shouted, rounding the corner and surprising the geeks with his appearance. Half his face was still plastered with drying puke and the other half was covered with smears of shit while Neal's discarded underwear hung from his ear like a rear-view mirror decoration.

Not even remotely frightened by his oddly sexual threat, Sam just stared at Alan. "Are you sure you're not gay, bro? I mean, it's cool if you are, and it would explain a lot of what you say, but my butthole doesn't accept arrivals, only discharges."

Alan's face exploded in rage and, after he took a minute to put it back together, he charged at the boys. "You're dead! You're ALL DEAD!"

He didn't get far before he was pelted with multiple Jack-Be-Little pumpkins in his chest, stomach and groin. Crouching from the pain, he once again tried to charge, but was smashed over the head from a huge falling pumpkin. A feeble, 'Ptffllafptl!' was all he was able to release before he collapsed to the floor, once again knocked unconscious.

Shocked, Sam and Neal looked over to Bill, who was still calmly taking bites from his oversized pumpkin pie.

Bill suddenly gave a high-five to the thin air next to him and smiled. "Thanks a lot, Ned!"