The Brain is Never at Rest

26

The hardest part of loving you was not knowing how it ended.

It feels like walking on shards of broken glasses but not feeling anything, as if my feet were injected with anesthesia. It feels like testing the waters without having reasons to test it at all. Loving you was something I looked forward to and imagined, but ending it was never in the plan; it was not a part of the bucket list – if I may put it that way.

It is an unexplainable struggle to find the reason for a sequence of unanswered questions.

Because how in the world that the only thing that makes you feel alive and worthy of existence suddenly not the reason anymore? How do you describe unloving someone without using the term realization? Because I would rather not realize anything than wake up one day with the realization that I was not so into you as I thought I am. How am I supposed to make you understand that it was not my intention to unlove you, and yet one day, I suddenly don't love you anymore? Or what if my love was not as convincing as I thought it was? Too unconvincing that I myself also find it hard to decipher the truth behind it.

Suddenly, I do not see you anymore the way I did before. I wish it was a condition where I pass the blame to my genes or vices, but it just does not go that way.

I knew something was starting to change, but I kept brushing it off. I wish the change was as pretty as the transition of summer to spring, but it obviously was not. I used to say, "give me kisses," every time we agreed to see each other. But this time, I try so hard to avoid meeting your eyes. There were chances when they do meet, but I cannot understand why it bothers me that sometimes I am almost close to asking if they ever bothered you too.

I donot know how to say these things when I knew that there was a time when I wasmadly and deeply in love with you.