The Brain is Never at Rest

33

Sometimes, as I lie awake under the vast blanket of stars, I wonder if it would be possible for you to find someone like me. I wonder if you would treat her just as how you treated me. Will you take her out during your free time to somewhere that reminds you of her? Will you open the car door for her just as you did when we were still together? Will you be singing her the songs you have written, just as how you performed your compositions to me? Will she laugh at your silliness, will she jump in your victories, and will you be there for her whenever she needs you?

Because if you are to ask me if I want you to find someone like me, I do not. I want to remain unique for you to think about me differently. You would go around saying, "she was the only person who did that," "she is the only person who made me feel that way," or "she is the only person I have ever treated this way"; I want you to think that way whenever you remember me. This may sound selfish, but I wish I would be embedded in your heart differently.

Do not find someone like me who made it look so easy to give up on you. Trust me, it was not, but there is no point in explanations. The excruciating pain I have inflicted is enough for me not to speak anymore. The reason is, I tried to be the best for you. I always tried to be the best, and even at my worst, I kept putting on an easy face. It was unfair for you to stick with someone not grown enough to handle herself. I still have a lot to learn, and as much as I want to keep learning beside you, I cannot stand to see you share the burden I am supposed to carry alone.

So never find someone like me. Do not find someone who likes being treated in the best way you could yet never reciprocate the same efforts you did. Find someone who takes you to places that reminds her of you. Find someone who will not only listen when you sing but someone who will write the lyrics with you. It is always extra special when you have someone who does things with you. Something I wish I could have done, but I can never. Find someone who can laugh at your silliness and be there when you feel like the whole world is ganged up against you. I was busy thinking of my problems and how unjust life is to me, but I have forgotten that yours was never perfect. I was selfish that sometimes, I failed to see you almost falling off your cliff. Find someone who listens well whenever you have stories to tell. Find someone who will celebrate your victories without feeling ashamed of herself, thinking she could never do better than you. Find someone who will be there when you need her. Someone who will always come running after every missed call; someone who will not sleep when you tell her how tiring your day is; someone whom you know will always care, and that to her, you will always matter.

Find someone who will put you first. Or, if not first, someone who never unticks you on her priority list.

Never find someone like me who never made you feel loved and valued. I failed to be the best person you could ever have, so I wish you find someone whose beliefs and perspectives vary from mine.

Find someone you deserve. Find someone who deserves you.