The Brain is Never at Rest

31

Some moments sometimes make me feel as if I am turning on the wrong point in life, choosing what will happen to us next is very risky. It could sometimes be the cause of either our success or our failure. Sometimes, one experience is not enough to foresee what is ahead of us. And yet, here I am, standing on the same door I knocked on a couple of months ago. I want to see if you are already ready to open this once and for all.

They say I should not have done this, for I am not obliged to reserve myself for someone who was never sure of me and what we could be. I should not reserve myself for someone who will eventually turn a blind eye to my existence and ignore me as if there was no moment he once needed me. They say I made myself look stupid; they are horrified by my eagerness to exercise what is beyond the limits of this affection that I am feeling. But as I stared at the mirror, I saw someone ready to take a risk and compel the pull of the universe to see you being with me at the end of this seemingly endless road.

And that was maybe because I love you too much. I loved you to the extent that the thought of losing you was too unbearable for me to accept. That I would rather die fighting for this love than torturing myself seeing you in somebody else's arms. It stabbed my heart, barely imagining that I would never see you first when I woke up in the morning. I would never be able to dance with you in the kitchen when it is late in the evening, and I could never see you grow old nor kiss and hold; the idea of not being with you intensely strikes the hell out of my soul.

And still, it is maybe because I love you too much. I loved you too deeply that I failed to recognize how I am doing this so wrong. The chase terrorized you and made you want to never see me anymore. My love has turned into a strong wave that washed away your freedom to love whoever you desire and be happy with whoever you wish to be.

Seated in one corner, I try to analyze the situation like a mathematical formula that I have never done before. I loved you too much, but I did not see how I was doing it in the wrong way. I loved you, yet my love created chains that tied you down and messed up your life. Love was supposed to make you feel light, yet my love was too much of a burden – too heavy for you to be able to carry. I loved you too much, but my love put you in a cage filled with sorrow and agony.

I loved you too much, but it was not your heart that I captured. I seized you and placed you in a situation that made you fear love. How shameful of me to say I loved you when all I did was imprison you for my unjust admiration. It is not loving; this is an obsession.

But I know deep inside, the love that I have for you is genuine and honest. But I need to save you; I must unlove you. My affection made you take a lot of the weight of the universe. And so, for the last time, open the door when I knock.

Allow me to apologize for loving you too much.