lover • josh allen

004

SUNSHINE

"you showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days."

september 12, 2022
📍BUFFALO, NY

once i arrive back in buffalo, josh picks me up from the airport. i'm pretty sure he can see right through me and know i'm not okay.

that leads me to believe why we are parked in front of his house right now and not mine.

"why are we here?" i ask as he turns off the ignition.

"it's late, so you're staying the night." he says. he doesn't really give me an option so i get out of the car.

he grabs my suitcase out of the trunk and i make my way to the front door. he opens it and we walk inside.

i wait by the door as he puts my suitcase in the guest room. i shift my weight back and forth from the back of my foot to the front of my foot.

"are you ok?" he asks, walking back towards me. i hate when someone asks that, especially when i'm on the verge of tears because those three words make me break down.

i shake my head no and he pulls me into his embrace. "it's gonna be ok." he says rubbing the back of my head with his hand which only makes me cry harder.

once i finish crying, which it's been about 10 minutes, i realize his shirt is soaked and he didn't even say anything.

"my mom has cancer." i say. if i want to be ok, i have to admit that she has it or i'll live in denial.

"i'm so sorry, el." he says.

sometimes the thought of my mom having cancer hits me like a truck and she's not even gone. i think that's why i feel so guilty about grieving. i hate grief. grief is like being slammed to the ground. i choke on air and wave after wave sadness holds me down. sometimes i can barely breathe.

but when i see the santa monica pier, or taste diet coke, or breathe after a rainstorm and it's humid, i know she wouldn't want me to grieve so hard. she is in every diet coke that i taste, in every gilmore girls episode that i watch, in every vanilla candle i smell. i should not be sad because even if she dies, she'll never leave me.

"what can i do to help you?" he asks.

"do you have vanilla candles, diet coke, and a netflix subscription?" i ask, he furrows his eyebrows.

"yes, why?" he asks.

"can i have a diet coke please?" i ask. he nods and disappears into the kitchen.

i grab a lighter and light the vanilla candle on the coffee table. once he comes back with the diet coke, i put gilmore girls on the tv.

"what are you doing?" he asks sitting down next to me.

"honoring my mom." i say pressing play. he wraps his right arm around me and pulls me closer to him.

the main thing i love about josh allen is how he never questions the things i do even if he's confused out of his mind.

instead, he goes along with it and does whatever i need to him to do in that moment. he doesn't care if i'm being insane or not, he just does it. i could say i'm going to hawaii and he'll go wherever i go.

everyone experienced today differently. rather it was just another day, usual and the same. some people had the best day of their life with a smile on their face the whole time. and some people had the worst day of their life. some people didn't even get to experience today fully, because they aren't here anymore, or they were born today. 8 billion different people, and they all experience the same day in different ways.

for me, today was like a thunderstorm. it was horrible and i didn't think i would see the end of it. but then, the sun came out. the sun made rainbows and temporarily got rid of the rain.

"healing has no time frame." josh says once we finish our third episode of gilmore girls.

"hm?" i say looking up at him. i heard what he said but i wonder why he chose to say it now.

"you are still you, you know. under all the stress and anxiety and sadness. you're still you. those things don't control your life, don't let them control your life because there are sunny bright skies without them. you have to pull yourself up. i know you feel like you can't, but you can. and when you feel like you can't, instead of me pulling you up, i'll be right by your side the entire time climbing up with you." josh says.

i've always wondered how to tell someone that the thought of them spreads like a warm river through your soul. how to tell someone that you would do anything and everything for them.

how to explain that there is no greater force in the universe than the love in your heart for them. how to tell them that they feel like listening to your favorite song.

i've never known but now, i have the answer. josh allen just said it to me.

•
josh's point of view
•

they tell mothers and fathers to wait to help their children. to think about themselves first. do you really think a parent could do that?

let the person they love most in this world suffer? they will take on the burden before letting their children be in pain.

it's common knowledge, put on your oxygen mask before you help others put on their oxygen mask.

i cannot put on my oxygen mask first. eleanor is who i love most in this world, i cannot sit back and watch her suffer.

i would rather carry that burden with me even if i don't survive. at least i gave her a fighting chance.

one thing i think about a lot is that i've spent my entire life feeling alone.

i liked the silence at first. it kept me convinced i was in control even though it broke my heart. i was afraid to admit i'd found someone who could give me more than loneliness ever could.

eleanor rose diggs.

i adore her more than i adore anyone else. she made me want to stop hiding from the world. she made the loneliness not so comforting anymore.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this chapter is probably my favorite i've ever written <333

other works:

debut • harry styles (not out yet)
unrequited love • tee higgins
interview • jalen hurts
assistant coach • sam hubbard
burning red • joe burrow
watching you • joe burrow
heart of glass • joe burrow