lover • josh allen

018

STRANGER

"anyway, don't be a stranger."

january 3, 2023
📍BUFFALO, NY

once i arrived at josh's house, i knocked on his door. he let me in and i took off my shoes.

"how are you doing?" i ask. i know he doesn't know about mom, and i don't want him to know just yet, i want to make sure he's ok.

"okay." he states. "he's alive, but in critical condition." josh says. without a name, i know who he is.

"but how are you, josh?" i ask.

"i'm fine, eleanor." he states snappily.

"what's wrong?" i ask, wondering why his mood changed so suddenly.

"nothing." he says.

"josh talk to me." i say putting my hand on his arm.

"you wouldn't understand what it's like losing someone that close to you." he says.

"first of all, damar is my friend too." i say.

"he's not your teammate, that's a different type of bond." he says. "you wouldn't understand what it's like losing someone that close to you." he repeats.

"actually." i say standing up. "i would know. i was just informed that my mom died last night." i say.

"eleanor!" he calls out, but i'm too busy getting as far away from his as i can. i go upstairs and find the nearest door with a lock.

it's his bedroom. i lock the door and walk to the back of the room. "open the door, el!" he shouts twisting the doorknob from the other side.

the entire door shakes as he does. "el! just open the door!" he says. his voice sounds deeper, something i've never heard before.

"eleanor!" he says as he bangs his fist against the door. the sudden bang makes me wince a little.

this isn't the josh that i know, there is a complete stranger on the other side of that door. i'm scared to find out what happens if i do open it.

"josh, stop!" i say.

"just open the door!" he says.

"calm down! just stop!" i say. i try not to panic, because i know that josh would never hurt me.

"just open the goddamn door!" he yells again, the rattling of the door not coming to a stop.

"you're scaring me. just stop!" i say. he listens this time and the door stops shaking.

"el," he says calmer this time. "let me in, please. i'm sorry." josh says.

i walk over to the door. i slowly turn the lock to unlock it, then i twist the doorknob to open it. he slides past me and into the room.

i don't move, i just watch him as he does. "el, i'm so sorry." he says.

"i shouldn't have snapped at you." he states. "i shouldn't have invalidated your feelings like that, and i'm so sorry." josh says.

"and i didn't know about your mom, i'm really sorry, el." he says.

"you were different." i say. "when you were trying to get in here, i didn't know who you were. and it scared me, josh." i say.

i've always been told that grief can change a person, and to not hold it over their head.

"i didn't mean to scare you, i promise. i'm really sorry, el." he says. "i'll do whatever i need to do for you to forgive me." he adds.

"i forgive you, josh." i say. what's the point of holding a grudge?

•

josh and i spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch watching movies and exchanging whatever poems came to mind.

"if we were in a room full of people, i'd pick you. you don't believe or if you do, you think i should pick someone else because anyone will be better than you, but that's not true. you've always failed to see your worth. others can view you as sunshine, but in your reflection, you're a hurricane. then consider me a storm chaser. a little rain and wind can't hurt. i'll pick you in your darkest moments and your finest hours. i'll take you if no else will, and if you find someone else, i'll let you go. but just know, i'll always be here with an umbrella to do it all over again." he says.

"as much as i loved that, i don't think that it is a poem." i say.

"poems are whatever we want them to be." he states.

"do you ever feel guilty?" i ask.

"in what sense?" he responds.

"we are here, right now. happily together but we have endless things to be sad about, that we should be sad about." i say.

"i don't feel guilty because i know that i deserve to be happy, so do you." josh says. "and it's not that i'm not sad, because i am. but everyone deserves to be happy every day." he adds.

"you have a kind soul, josh." i say.

"thank you, el." he replies.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

idk what to say lol

questions:

favorite wide receiver?

favorite tight end?? istg if some says travis kelce, im going to riottttt