lover • josh allen

015

I LOVE YOU

"the smile that you gave me even when you felt like dying."

october 25, 2022
📍BUFFALO, NY

my father took me home after i left the hospital. my car wasn't damaged except for a scratch, i managed to get the worst of it.

my dad buffed out the scratch and my car was waiting for me when i got home. i took a much needed shower and changed my clothes.

once i was put together physically and emotionally, i drove to my mother's house. i didn't want to put off not seeing her any longer than i have.

when i walked in, it was completely silent. only my parents are here and that made me wonder if josh or stefon knew what happened.

i made my way to my mom's room and sat down in the chair like i've done so many times before.

"oh, honey." she says sympathetically. "are you doing ok?" she asks.

"i'm fine mom." i say quickly dismissing any worry she might have. "i'm sorry for snapping at you, i shouldn't have done it." i say.

"it's okay, el." she says. "everyone has their breaking point. i'm just sorry that i cause yours." she adds.

"it's not your fault mom, i'm okay." i say. "i just feel so bad, i'm really sorry." i repeat.

"i think the beautiful part about it is everyone experiences different pains, everyone experiences different agonies of life. but you decide if you want to learn from it. you decide if you want to use that to be a teachable moment. and i know what i'd do. so now, it's up to you." she says.

"okay, honey." she says. "josh and your brother are really worried about you. along with damar, dawson, and jordan." she adds.

"i'll talk to them." i said.

"trevon flew in yesterday after he heard what happened, he's staying at stefon's." she says. "you should go over there."

"what about you, mom?" i ask.

"i'll be fine, go talk to them, ok?" she says, i nod and leave.

•

once i arrive at stefon's house, i notice more cars in his driveway than usual, meaning damar and the other guys must be here.

i knock on the door, and i hear footsteps walk towards it. i'm presented with stefon at the door.

once he recognizes that it's me, which doesn't take long, he engulfs me into a hug.

"don't ever scare me like that again, i swear on my life." he says once we pull apart.

"who's at the door?" damar says peering around the corner. once he sees me, he too hugs me.

stefon, damar, and i walk back inside and i greet each other person in the living room. dawson, jordan, and trevon.

where is josh?

"where's josh?" i ask looking around.

"he's in the kitchen." jordan says motioning in that direction.

i leave the living room and make my way into the kitchen. "hey." i say walking into the room.

"eleanor." he says under his breath quickly walking towards me and wrapping his arms around me.

"i'm so glad you're okay." he says once we pull apart. he plants a small kiss onto my lips.

"i talked to my mom, and i, i feel so bad." i say.

"your mom is the most forgiving person i know, and i can guarantee that she isn't even the slightest bit mad at you." he says.

"also, i was interrogated by trevon earlier." he says.

"was it bad?" i ask running my hands through his hair.

"not as bad as stefon, i'll give him that." he says shinning his signature josh allen smile.

"i love you." i say.

yes, i've said it to him before, and i've thought it, but never in a situation like this have i said those 3 words.

"you make me smile and that's more than what i can say to most. you understand me. i don't have to pretend to be someone else when i am with you. you admire me the most when i'm not trying. it means a lot to me, it means the most to me because i've spent so much time running away from myself. you make me feel like i can finally breathe. you make me feel like there is so much beauty beyond the darkness i have yet to see because i've been too lost to do so." i say.

maybe i went overboard, maybe this is too soon for him, maybe he doesn't want to say it back.

"i love you, too." he says. "and, i'm happy that i can be that for you, it makes me really really happy." josh says.

somehow, i manage to smile at him. despite what has happened these past 24 hours, i can somehow come here and just smile.

and i think the reason i am able to do that is because of josh. it doesn't matter where or when or how, but when i'm with him, i can smile.

all the sadness that i could be feeling or feel in the future fades away when i'm with him.

he's my home.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

that thing that her mom said in the beginning, about experiencing different agonies is actually a quote from the one and only jalen hurts after the superbowl

also, just finished obx, and i want to converse in the comments

other works:

debut • harry styles (not up yet)
unrequited love • tee higgins
interview • jalen hurts
assistant coach • sam hubbard
nfl imagines • multi
heart of glass • joe burrow
burning red • joe burrow
watching you • joe burrow