lover • josh allen

016

PAIN

"it's not true. tell me i've been lied to."

january 2, 2023
📍CINCINNATI, OHIO

the bills play the bengals tonight for monday night football in cincinnati.

this game is just a game for fun for me, i don't have to report so i'm sitting in the stands.

this atmosphere is absolutely amazing. the players have came out onto the field and cinci will receive the ball first.

the bengals scored a touchdown on the first drive, and the bills were held to a field goal unfortunately.

it's fine, the bengals have the ball and there is about 5 minutes left in the first quarter.

a quick screen to higgins, up the middle of the field and brought down by damar around the 50.

the play is over, then someone falls over on the field. i hope the injured player is okay.

i try to get a better look at who is down on the field, it's damar.

i don't know what happened, it was a clean tackle. he stood up afterwards, but then he just, fell.

the medical staff and the refs are telling the players to get back.

it's been about 8 minutes and he hasn't gotten up yet, this entire stadium has gone silent and it's the most eerie feeling.

i see the ambulance come out onto the field and i know it's not a minor injury.

i don't know what happened but something isn't right.

i can see that josh is on the verge of tears, everyone else in looks of grief and sadness. then i get the news that he's been getting cpr for the last 10 minutes.

people on their knees, stefon is crying, other bills players are crying, i don't know what to do.

as the ambulance leaves the stadium, with damar in it, everyone starts to clap.

i can't bring myself to do it, it feels wrong, he was getting cpr for so long, his heart stopped beating.

as i see the bills players all take a knee in a circle, i know that they can't continue to play this game.

supposedly, each team has five minutes to warm up before they continue the game which is the stupidest thing i've ever heard.

once i see the players make their way to the locker rooms, i leave. i know for a fact this will lead to a temporary cancellation of the game.

i make my way out of the stadium and call an uber back to my hotel.

i'm shocked within myself that i haven't broken down yet because damar is one of my best friends.

i take a shower like i usually do, and put on a hoodie and sweatpants.

i check my phone, the game has been suspended for today and players have left the stadium.

i don't know what to say to my brother, josh, or any other person on the bills right now.

bills buddies

you guys ok?

i didn't expect them to respond, and i'm not and at them for not responding either. i pray for damar before i lay down and go to sleep.

•
next day
•

once i wake up, i pack up my things and make my way to the airport.

everything feel so empty, my thoughts, my mind, everything feels so bare.

the flight back to buffalo wasn't bad, but it was quiet. my mind, that i usually can't get to shut up, was turned off and that should be a soothing thought, but it was the exact opposite.

i get a text from trevon to come over to our parents', so i do. i sit on the couch in silence. it's just my father, trevon and i.

"stefon is almost here." my father says randomly.

maybe they want to talk about what happened yesterday.

i wait for stefon to arrive, and he sits down on the couch.

my father gets up and disappears down the hallway for a second. he comes back with something and hands each of us an envelope.

i look at the back of it, it says my name in my mom's handwriting. my heart drops because i know exactly what this means.

she died.

"when?" i ask not bothering to open the letter right now.

"last night." he says, tears fill his eyes along with my two brothers.

stefon slams his fist into the couch. i know this can't be easy for him.

"we had already planned her funeral before she passed, it's at the end of next month." he says.

"she wouldn't want us to be sad." trevon speaks up while looking at the floor. i watch the tears roll down his cheeks.

"how are we supposed to be happy when our mom just died?" stefon says.

the only feeling that i've known these past 24 hours are pain. nothing but pain.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this chapter is just a truck load of pain so i apologize for this