lover • josh allen

010

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU

"i'm out of my head, hopelessly devoted to you, hopelessly devoted to you."

october 20, 2022
📍BUFFALO, NY

the bills have a bye week this week, and i don't have to report on any games right now. which is a blessing and a curse because i've had a lot of time to just think.

i remember the first day i fell in love with josh allen. it was in that moment that i realized i'd never be the same. i never understood why he looked at me like i was somehow worth more than the world. he made me feel like i was finally enough.

in each love song i hear, i picture him. not intentionally, but subconsciously. each word reminds me of him. i imagine us dancing on beaches, singing in the car, dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light.

and i don't even realize i'm daydreaming, and i don't really want to admit how much he consumes my thoughts because being in love with him is magical.

but if he somehow manages to break my heart, which i don't think will happen, each love song i hear will kill me.

mom isn't feeling too well today, so she asked if i couldn't come over. i wanted to, but she didn't want me to see her like that.

i didn't want to be alone today, so i asked josh if i could come over in which he said yes.

"do you have strawberries?" i ask, i've been craving them for the past hour for some reason.

"no, strawberries are gross." he replies scrunching up his nose, i hold back a laugh. "i have pickles though." he adds.

"pickles and strawberries are completely different things." i say. "and pickles are gross." i add scrunching up my nose in the same way he did.

"you look cute when you do that." he says. i can tell he didn't mean to say it out loud, but the fact that he was thinking it makes me feel warm.

"um," josh says clearing his throat. "i'm going to go find a substitute fruit." he says making a b line for the kitchen.

i hear him rummage around the kitchen for a while and eventually, he comes back with blueberries and yogurt.

he knows that i don't eat blueberries by themselves and only with yogurt. i quietly mutter and thank you and look back at the tv.

honestly, i'm not a big golf fan so i have no idea what is currently going on with the tv. the tension in the room is so thick a knife would break trying to cut into it.

every now and then i would sneak a glance at him, and before he can look i return my gaze back to the uneventful golf tournament.

i can tell he's nervous by the way he's fiddling with his fingers and it's kind of cute. "so," i say setting the bowl down on the coffee table in front of me.

"so?" he asks keeping his gaze ahead. i look at him waiting for him to say something else.

"i," he states, he takes a deep breath. it's on the tip of his tongue.

the three words, eight letters. right on the tip of his tongue.

"i love," he says. "golf." he says, i nod slowly. he couldn't say it.

what's a sadder word than almost? they almost won the superbowl, they almost made it out alive, he almost said it, she was almost happy. almost, almost, almost, i hate the word almost.

i've never doubted anything my mother has ever told me, so i'm not going to doubt that josh feels something for me.

but i just don't know why he can't bring himself to say it when we both knew that he was going to say it.

what stopped him?

i know he feels like he has to tread lightly, and i know he's not the best at taking hints but i didn't think i would have to shout it in his ear for him to know that him in love with him.

it hurts a little bit. but even if he does say it back, i know the risk of us becoming a real thing. if it doesn't work out, it could ruin our friendship, it could ruin our friend group.

josh is best friends with my brother, i can't jeopardize that for them. i know that stefon would want me to go for it, i know he would. but i don't want to be the one to say it first in case that sliver of doubt is correct.

"i'm gonna head home." i say getting up from the couch. "it's getting late." it's not late, it's only 4pm.

he doesn't respond and i make my way to the door. i put my shoes on and grab my purse. i thought that he might stop me, but he didn't.

i walk out the door and i'm halfway to my car when he says comes outside. "eleanor wait." he says.

i stop walking and turn around. i honestly don't know what he's going to say to me right now. maybe express his love for golf a little bit more.

or maybe he'll tell me how much he loves football or spaghetti or some other thing that shields what he can't say.

"eleanor," he says.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

cliffhanger energy