lover • josh allen

005

POEMS

"on the way home, i wrote a poem."

september 13, 2022
📍BUFFALO, NY

as a child, i would constantly think, "i hope i get into a life threatening situation."

as a child, i hoped, prayed, and obsessed that a terrible misfortune would fall upon me. i wanted to see how many people truly cared for me.

i wanted to feel seen, i didn't want to keep living in the shadow of my older and younger brothers. and maybe being the only girl my mom had would make me stick out, but the fact my brothers are in the big leagues and practically household names destroyed that image for me.

i wanted people to notice me even if it was for the wrong reasons. i wanted people to reach out to me, check in on me.

i guess this in itself made me sick because a person should not desire to have a life threatening situation occur just to feel seen.

and maybe i should be the one at fault for thinking like this so i wouldn't be ignored and so i could feel loved.

as a child i always thought that it wasn't my fault, that people should make me feel loved. that it was their fault i thought this way.

but it's not. because if i know one thing, it's that i'm loved. but i never believed it because i didn't love myself.

if i'm not enough for myself, i won't be enough for other people. we only accept the love we think we deserve, and i felt i didn't deserve any.

i don't feel like that anymore.

i wish he knew the thoughts i have about him. i can't always articulate the way i feel. i wish i could explain the feeling i get when i see his face. or the way my heart jumps when he says my name.

i wish he knew how i describe him to strangers and the songs that make me think of him. i wish i could explain how he's healed me in ways i didn't know where possible.

and i wish i knew how to thank joshua allen for that.

joshua allen is the kind of person i knew i would end up falling in love with. i knew it from the moment i met him.

it wasn't love at first sight necessarily but it was a feeling that sat exactly right in my chest. i won't say that i'm in love with him out of fear that he'll leave, which i doubt. but i don't want to spend my time with anyone else.

"can i tell you one of my favorite poems?" josh asks with a tired voice.we've been up all night watching gilmore girls drifting in and out of sleep every once in a while.

i nod, and he proceeds to tell me. "i won't always have the words to pull you back from the dark. but i will always be here to sit in it with you. and take your hand or wrap my arms around you until is passes." he speaks. "for every day of sunshine, there will be a night of darkness but i want to spend it with you." he says.

"who wrote that?" i ask, it's probably one of the best poems i've ever heard.

"josh allen did." he says. a small smile creeps onto my face.

"do you have any other ones?" i ask, looking up at him.

he thinks for a second, then begins to talk. "when i look at you, i find it hard to believe that the whole universe has not conspired to bring you to life. i can't think of a more beautiful reason for it to all exist than for you in this day." he says.

"do you come up with these on the spot?" i ask.

"sometimes." he replies. "your turn." he says.

"i've had this one in my brain for a good bit, so it's not completely random." i say before reciting my poem.

"i'm not good with words nor with my actions. i was never good at showing effort. i am shy, and i am scared when out of my comfort. it is so hard for me to express emotion, let alone express my love. but i love you. i may not be able to say it, or act like i love you, but i do. i may show less effort than most. but you can always count on me for one thing. i will never fail to show my love through music. whether it's lover by taylor swift or i'm yours by jason mraz. you are worth more than a million songs, so i'll chose a million songs for you." i say.

"that's an amazing poem, el." josh said.

another poem popped into my head. "if you were the rain, i would never open an umbrella. instead, i would lay down on the cold concrete and enjoy every drop that lands on my skin. i would lay there even if it meant it could drown you." i say.

"you are not hard to love. loving you is the easiest thing in the world that i have ever done and ever will do. it's as if my heart was made to do it. my heart is so full of it. i look at you and it's all i can feel, pure and unconditional love. it's not hard to love you el, it's impossible not to." he says.

my heart became full with each word he spoke in that poem because it was meant for me.

the inner child inside of me needed to hear these words all these years ago but i'm hearing them now and i will never be that same child again.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

okay, i lied, i think this is my favorite chapter i've ever written