lover • josh allen

019

JOSH ALLEN

"i love you, and i hope that you're okay."

the end
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they tell you life isn't supposed to be easy. but they never told me it would be this hard. and how do you start living when all you know is you surviving. but what i do know, is one day after all the pain, there will come a sense of peace. and once you get there, you'll know. you'll start living and everything becomes just a bit easier.

if i had to describe what falling in love feels like, i'd say it's letting out an exhale after holding your breath for too long. taking a sledgehammer to the highest of carefully built walls. smiling so hard your face hurts, putting on your favorite sweater, laying in bed after a shower.

knowing what all those taylor swift songs were talking about. lover, sweet nothing, lavender haze, daylight, you are in love, paper rings. feeling everything at once in the best way. instead of wearing my heart on my sleeve, i place it in your hands because i know that it's safe there.

this isn't anything like the fairytales or the movies or the way it's described in the songs or the constant daydreams, it's different. and it's so much better.

yes, maybe i should be more sad than i am, because of what has happened to me recently, but i'm truthfully okay.

because i have josh.

josh and i struggle together, we heal and hurt together but we always feel safe with each other. i can be with my person and know that i don't have to worry about pain or sadness.

and he's truly a blessing for that.

i do think that some of my mother is in josh, by the way he speaks or cares for other people. so i know that my mom will never leave me, because she is with josh.

i don't care about playing it cool. maybe that makes me foolish or wrong. either way, it doesn't matter. i'll shout it from the rooftops, i'll shout it loud enough for everyone to hear, i'm not afraid to say that i love josh allen.

he is a dream. everything about him is so angelic and it melts me. his kindness and passion for love is indescribable. and the looks that he gives me are heartwarming. i have every desire to be with him and i can't believe that i actually get to.

so to everyone who did not get to know josh allen in their lifetime, here's what you need to know.

he is breathtaking. i'm in love with the way his eyes shine in the sun and the sincerity behind his smile. he made me believe again.

he made me believe that everything will be fine even if it feels like it won't be, we'll be alright.

there is nothing more precious than his heart. it's filled with a light so bright, that even the darkness can't help but stare.

and i always thought i was destined to be alone. to be consumed by the brokenness inside of my own heart. yet, when he held me, i felt my world change.

i saw every broken thought and feeling die before my eyes. what would i do without josh allen in my life?

he showed me how i should be loved and he marked off every way i wanted to be loved on my list.

so, to josh, i remember the first day i fell in love with you. it was in that moment i realized, i would never be the same.

i never understood why you looked at me like i was worth, somehow, more than the world. you made me feel like i was finally enough.

and once again, i have josh allen to thank for that.

i want to be loved like sunshine glistening in the reflection of a river. like dandelions being carried off by the wind. or like birds singing in the darkness in the morning. i want to be loved like waves destroying a boats sail. i want to be loved like hail bouncing off the rock. i want to be loved with all the gentleness and harshness the world has to offer.

and josh allen gave it me.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

this chapter was amazing to write, and really hard to write