lover • josh allen

014

ICU

"i was only trying to hold you close while your heart was failing."

october 24, 2022
📍BUFFALO, NY

once i arrived back in buffalo, i went over to my mother's house. when i walked in, the atmosphere was different.

different in a bad way. it was saddening, it wasn't the upbeat, high spirited house i had always known.

i had a feeling the inevitable was very close to happening.

everyone was there, which shocked me because i wasn't presented with the usual laughter that i always hear.

everyone, except for my mother was sitting out the couch and absorbed into some documentary on the tv.

i muttered a quick hi before i went into my mother's room. i sat down in the chair that is in the corner and grabbed her hand.

"i only have until february." she said. "at the longest." she added.

i didn't want to believe it, my mom is the strongest person i know. there is no way that cancer will beat her, it won't. it can't.

"mom." i said. i didn't know what else to say. i bit my lip to stop the tears from falling. i have to stay strong for her.

"i'll be okay, baby." she says rubbing my hand. why is she comforting me when she's the one with cancer?

what am i crying when i'm not the one with the life taking disease?

"stop telling me you'll be okay, mom." i say taking my hand away from her. "you just told me you have 4 months left. that's not okay. so stop pretending like it is." i say a little louder and more rude than intended.

i quickly wipe away my tear as i stand up. i leave the room. my eyes fill with tears once more and i put on my shoes, making my vision blurry.

"el? what's wrong?" josh asks getting up from the couch. i ignore him.

i put on my coat and grab my purse, i make me way out of the door and to my car.

i get into my car and i bang my fist off the center console. i feel so guilty for feeling.

despite my glossy eyes, i start my car and pull out of the driveway.

i drive. i don't know where, but i drive.

the tears are streaming down my face at this point, and it's very difficult for me to see. maybe i shouldn't be driving on the highway right now.

i take one of my hands off of the wheel to wipe my tears and i don't notice the railing of the highway directly in front of me.

•

everything is black. my eyes start to flutter open and have to adjust to the bright light in front of me.

i look around and realize i'm in a hospital.

to the left of me is my father, his eyes glossy and is hand over his mouth. his head is resting on his arm.

"dad?" i say, voice raspy, i don't know how long i haven't been awake for.

"el." he says letting out a breath.

"was i in a car accident?" i ask, he nods.

"yes, someone called 911 and they let me know what happened." he said.

a nurse came into the room. "does anything hurt, eleanor?" she asks.

"no, i'm fine." i say.

"we will have to keep you for a day or two." she says.

"why?" i ask, nothing hurts, i'm not hooked up to any iv's or anything.

"you went into atrial fibrillation." she says.

"i what?" i ask. i know exactly what it is, but how did it happen to me?

"it can never happen to you again, it was a very rare case but you went into atrial fibrillation, and then your heart stopped beating for 8 minutes." she spoke.

so i came back from the dead?

"i'll give you some time, hit your nurse button if you need anything." she says before leaving the room.

"i let your mother know everything, you've been asleep for 5 hours now." he says.

"dad, i'm so sorry." i say.

"hey," he says. "everything is going to be fine. it's okay to feel emotions ok? i hate that you get that trait from me." he says.

he gets up to leave the room. "dad?" i say, he turns back around. "i love you." i say.

"i love you too, el." he says before leaving the room.

the nurse informed me that i can leave tomorrow morning, and that i'm in the icu. no one else can visit me, and since my father left, i have to spend the night alone.

i hate hospitals. the fact that in the same building, people's lives are made and some are taken away.

it could be the best day of someone's life or the worst day of someone's life and the nurses and doctors have to deal with it all.

i also think that the fact someone can die at the same time as someone let alone in the same room is insanely depressing.

i regret saying what i said to my mom, i was frustrated with myself and i shouldn't have said that to her, i hope she knows i'm sorry.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

i'm watching obx right now, i'm currently on episode 5 so yeah, i've been doing great at avoiding spoilers