lover • josh allen

008

HATE

"hate to be lame but it might me true. hate to be lame but i might love you."

october 15, 2022
📍BUFFALO, NY

i don't even like him. i hate the way his hair falls. i hate the way his lips curve into a smile. i hate how a smile is always on his face. i hate his cologne. what i hate most is how much i want him. or maybe i hate the way he doesn't want me at all. i hate josh allen with such rage, it eats my insides and chokes out my rational thoughts. the hate is so strong, it almost feels like love. i think that's what i hate most of all.

maybe it's the fact that he's been helping me cope with everything lately, or maybe i've always felt this way. i don't know, and it's killing me. i know that i feel something towards him in a bit so friendly way.

and i would talk to stefon about it, but i think he has more important things to worry about than me crushing on his quarterback.

i'm definitely not talking to trevon or dak about it, and when i called liza she didn't answer.

i'm currently the only person besides my mom at her house because stefon and josh are in kansas city, trevon is in philadelphia, and dad is at the grocery store.

"so, ellie, my sweet girl." my mom says patting the bed next to her, i sit next to her. "what's on your mind?" she asks.

"it's not important, mom." i say with a slight smile.

"come on, you used to tell me all the drama and stuff." she says. this transports me back to high school. "is it about josh?" she asks.

i don't question how she knows because she knows everything, so i just nod. "he's a good guy, ellie." she says.

"i know, mom." i say.

"but in his defense, i don't think he wants to ask you out right now." she says. "he's trying to be considerate of your feelings and he doesn't want to ruin your friendship." she states.

"maybe now isn't the time, mom." i say.

"you need to do it soon, i need to see you two together before i die, ellie." she says. "i've spent to long seeing you two together and for you two to be friends. i watched you fall in love with him, and i watched him fall in love with you." she says.

"so promise me, ellie. promise me you'll at least try." she asks.

"i promise mom." i say.

•

i spent the rest of the day at my mom's house, and helped put the groceries away when my dad came back.

i drove home and cleaned my house. i've been so busy within my own thoughts lately, i haven't had time to clean.

it's not like my house was a disaster, but it did need cleaned. so i put on some music, and that's what i did.

the bills play the chiefs tomorrow and i wish i could be there. i don't have to report on any games this week, and stefon suggested i should take a break from traveling this weekend.

once i was satisfied with the state of my house, i shower and head to bed. i text my mom goodnight and i set my phone on my nightstand when i get a facetime from josh.

once i answer the phone and he can see it's dark in my bedroom, he says, "i'm sorry, were you alseep?" he asks.

"no, not yet, did you need something?" i ask rolling onto my side, propping up my head with my elbow.

"i just wanted to talk you." he says. by the background i do see, i can tell he's in his hotel room in bed too.

it's 11pm here in buffalo, meaning it's 10pm in kansas city. "how was your day?" i ask.

"good, very boring." he states. "being on a plane makes me ancy." josh says.

"i get anxious on planes sometimes." i say. "but ancy makes sense." i add.

"how was your day?" he asks, getting into the sam position that i'm currently in.

"good, i spent it with my mom today. it was just us two, which was nice." i say.

"what'd you guys talk about?" he asks. 'you' was what i wanted to say.

"a lot of stuff." i say instead.

"like?" he asks wanting to know what in particular. i've noticed he's a very questioning person, he likes to know everything.

"you." i finally say.

"what about me?" he asks adjusting his posture to get more comfortable. i can see him put a pillow behind his head.

"you sure do ask a lot of question joshua allen." i say.

"and you keep giving me answers." he replies.

"what did you think about today?" i ask.

"that's a completely different question." josh says.

"i don't care, you have to answer it." i say, a smile creeping onto my face. i don't really know what i expect him to say, but i want to know what he thinks about.

"a lot of stuff." he says.

"like?" i say mimicking his response from our previous question.

"you." he says.

"what about me?" i ask.

"you sure do ask a lot of questions eleanor diggs." he says with his signature smile.

"i'm gonna go to sleep now, i'll call you before the game ok?" he says, i nod.

"goodnight josh." i say.

"goodnight els." he replies. i put my phone back on the nightstand and close my eyes.

falling in love is truly falling. otherwise, it should be call rising in love or flying in love, something more peaceful right? and peaceful is something love definitely isn't. because love is like falling. it's like tripping on something that wasn't there a second before. even when you thought the floor was harmless, there's a branch that creeps out which you fall on. falling starts slow, then it becomes exhilarating and happens so quickly and all at once. and when you finally meet the ground, you can't pin point when you started falling, you just know that you did.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

i have this harry wattpad that i started making and i really like it so far but i might upload it once this one is almost over