lover • josh allen

007

FIX YOU

"i promise you this, i'll always look out for you. yeah that's what i'll do."

september 28, 2022
📍BUFFALO, NY

the past eight days have been a routine, sunday, i reported the game which was in miami, i got back to buffalo yesterday.

it pained by to be away from my parents, but the assured me that everything would be fine. i called almost the entire time i was there.

i've been watching gilmore girls with my mom, dad, and josh for the past 3 hours, but i've been zoning out for the last 45 minutes.

i've been thinking about a lot of different things, like what will happen when my mom does pass away.

i don't want my dad to turn to things he shouldn't to cope nor do i want my siblings to either. i am also scared for what will happen to me.

i'm the glue that holds our family together, and if i fall apart, our entire family is going to fall apart. because as they say, never take advice from someone who's falling apart.

"you ok?" josh asks quietly. i don't hear him at first until he places his hand on my knee and repeats the question.

"yeah, i'm good." i reply turning my head to face him. i quickly turning the corner of my lips upward for a second before i place them back in a resting state.

"i'm going to go lay her down for a nap, i'm gonna stay with her." my father says pausing the episode.

considering my mother is very fragile and weak at the moment, dad has to help her up from the couch.

dad lays mom down in her room, which is downstairs so she doesn't have to walk up them. "you don't have to stay here, kids. she probably won't wake up until the morning." he says coming back out of her room.

he doesn't wait for an answer instead he joins mom in their bedroom. "dad?" i ask getting up from the couch.

he didn't make it into her room yet so he turns around. "how long has she had it for?" i ask. it's a question that's been eating at me.

"june." he replies. i'm not mad at him for not telling me once he found out, maybe i should be but i'm not.

i walk around the couch, leaving josh there and walk over to my father so i can talk lower. "are you ok dad?" i ask quietly.

"yeah, flower. i'm okay." he says, i shake my head no.

"no, dad." i say. "i know you're not okay." i add. he doesn't say anything else, instead he pull me into a hug, a much needed hug on both ends.

"we have to stay strong for her ok?" he says putting his hands on either of my shoulders, i nod.

"i love you dad." i say, i give him one last hug and ask josh if he's ready to leave.

i stay silent once we get in the car. "what's bothering you, els?" josh asks pulling off.

"she's had cancer since june. she has 6-9 months left, so around december." i say, i don't say what will happen in december but he knows.

"march." he replies, that's the 9 month option. "i think that she'll live longer than that. she's a fighter, el. she's not going to let it take her, she's going to fight until she can't anymore and your mom doesn't give up easily." he says.

"i'm scared." i say, it comes out raspy and quiet as tears fill my eyes.

"i know, el. i know." he says sympathetically grabbing my hand from the lap and interlocking our fingers.

when people ask what are you afraid of? i usually say the dark, or heights or needles, or confined spaces. but in reality, i'm scared of a lot more things than i should be.

i'm scared of being honest, i'm scared of falling in love, but right now, i'm scared of losing my mom.

"i don't want to lose her." i say. a life without my mom is not a life i want to have.

"you'll never actually lose her, el." josh says, he began rubbing my hand with his thumb. i don't know how he manages to comfort me while he's driving.

i pull my hand away to wipe my tears. i run my hands through my hair and put my hands on my lap.

i don't want to keep thinking of what's going to happen down the line, but it's hard. it's so hard and i hate it.

"i'm sorry." i say. "you probably have better things to do with your time than consult your teammate's sister." i say with a light laugh.

"you're not my teammate's sister, el. you mean more to me than that. and you want to every talk to me about something or just cry i'm right here, judgment free." he says.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

WE LOVE JOSH