Because She Loved Him

Look The Other Way

Lena had by the end of the summer worked her way into Bjorn's ego if not his heart and he found himself craving her simple, easy company more than ever before. His ego, crushed by the demands of an album that just was not as easy as ABBA had come to assume and by the mundanity of children and family life lapped up the attentions of an ever eager Lena. His mind, unwilling to cope with the two sides of his life, the superstar and that of a husband and father took refuge in that which attracted him most rather than what was most important, what he should have been holding close and protecting. His time at the studio making music and being around Lena became his number one priority and because of this he missed many milestones of his life, milestones that should never be missed but at the time he was looking the other way and what he should have seen was witnessed by others. Christian's first tooth was welcomed by his Uncle Benny who uncomplainingly suffered the first chomps of a teething baby, his rolling over witnessed by Frida and Anna while they were having coffee one day. The list went on and Anna faithfully recorded each milestone for Bjorn on their cine camera for when he would come home and she kept the faith that he would come home when he was over this crisis that she felt was raging within him. Of course she had tried to talk to him but their discussions inevitably ended in rows and him shutting her down, she took herself to counselling to try and sort her own self out because she was not unaware of her own issues and the effect that they were having on him, she wanted to be better not just for him but for herself and her children and she had been doing well until the first of the letters came.
'Dear Agnetha,
It's a lost cause you know, you should let him go. You can't save a dead marriage. What do you think he sees when he looks at you? A frumpy, middle aged woman who doesn't care enough to make any kind of effort for her man is what he sees. He stays with you because of Abba, you're just a voice. He could make Abba work with anyone, he's the talented one not you. Anyone could sing but he gives you the words to sing, without him you are NOTHING. He is so much more without you holding him back and you know what? He knows this now, he sees you clearly for the first time in too long. He feels sorry for you, he feels nothing but pity for you when he sets eyes on you now. He doesn't want you anymore and he doesn't love you, how could he? You tricked him into having a baby that he didn't want. What sort of woman does that? You. A desperate, sad, crazy woman. You're an embarrassment to him'

The first letter was anonymous with no clue as to where or from whom it had come from and to a certain extent Anna could dismiss it, it for sure was not the first time nor would it be the last that she would receive a crank fan letter but the words were cruel and somehow they played on her deepest fears. When she tried to discuss it with Bjorn he dismissed her concerns out of hand and refused to even look at the letter she'd been sent telling her that it was all in her imagination and that they all got weird fan letters all the time. His impatience with her and the children had grown to such an extent that the children learnt rapidly to be quiet and not bother him when he was home, in fact it got to the point where they both actively avoided him and rather than being alarmed by this turn of events Bjorn's reaction was satisfaction that he had everything under such great control. Eventually Anna followed the lead of the children because the strain on her was immense, she had made the best sense she could of the situation, Bjorn had told her repeatedly that he needed not to be bothered, to have peace and quiet and despite everything she thought she understood him and gave him the space that he said he needed so she retreated from him too. She made sure to greet him quietly when he did come home, she made sure that she told him that she loved him everyday regardless of his response and she made sure that there was a dinner waiting for him every night. There were many uneaten dinners that ended up in the bin and in private when he'd gone she'd wept over those dinners as she threw them away, it felt like each and every time that he was throwing her love back in her face and that same love was ending up in the bin along with the dinners but she persevered for the longest time.
She came to rely heavily on Benny and Frida but they had their own lives and she didn't feel that she could share all of her deepest worries, her deepest fears with them because it would put them in a difficult position and she felt Bjorn would never forgive her if she shared their personal crisis either with them or with her counsellor but she needed an outlet so she took up the suggestion of writing it down in a diary. This she did in the late hours of the night and she poured everything into those pages, she let everything out and in all honesty it did make her feel better. She continued to work hard on the album, she went to the studio every day and did as she was told and sang as she was told to sing. She gave Bjorn no reason to be angry with her but Benny and Frida were deeply concerned about her, even if Bjorn could not see it they could see the light going out of her eyes, she was becoming thinner by the day and her passion for singing had clearly left her, the sound while beautiful was clinical not joyous and neither of them knew what to do about it.
Nothing changed for many weeks, Benny had tried to talk to Bjorn but had made no progress, Bjorn had been unreceptive and dismissive of Benny's concerns, he barely registered Anna these days unless he couldn't hear her voice, only then did he have something to say to her and it was never anything good. Frida on the other hand had made attempts to talk to Anna about it and while Anna was more receptive she was firmly of the opinion that this would pass and all would be well but she couldn't deny to Frida the strain that this was putting her under and Frida couldn't bear to tell her that Lena was conspicuous by her absence when Anna was in the studio but at every other time she was constantly by Bjorn's side. Frida had made Benny aware of this and he had made efforts to be around them and distract Bjorn but it had proved futile, his private conversations with Frida had compared the situation to that of the Beatles and Yoko Ono, that's how difficult he was finding the situation with Bjorn, the man he considered to be his brother and he was genuinely at a loss. For the first time in nearly 13 years of knowing Bjorn as well as he knew himself he had no idea how to make Bjorn see the error of his ways, to understand the enormity of what he was gambling with.
Bjorn on the other hand was happier than he'd been in some while, he had the best of both worlds he considered, he was entirely focused on his music and planning for the tour next year. He was looking forward to the tour more than anyone else could imagine, he couldn't wait for the thrill of being on stage, performing for the masses of adoring fans. If it was going to be anything like Australia it would be everything he'd ever dreamed of, validation of his sacrifices, his work and his life, he didn't stop to think that he already had his real validation and everything that would ever matter to him already in his hands.

Anna, already struggling to maintain her equilibrium was starting to be beset by strange feelings and occurrences that did nothing to ease her state of mind and she started to believe that she was everything that Bjorn had thrown at her, she felt that she was going mad for she was sure that if these feelings and events were really happening then surely others would notice but they didn't so it surely must be her. She couldn't put her finger on it for she was so focused on many things but she felt like she was being watched all the time, she got to the point where she was scared to see the postman come because she just didn't know what would come next for her. There had been no more letters but there had been photos taken of her when she was out and about unaware that she was being followed, pictures of the children at times when she knew they should have had privacy. There had been dead flowers delivered, parcels delivered with rotten food in and once a dead rat. By this point Anna knew that something was seriously wrong, she knew that she was being targeted but what she didn't know was why and by whom.
It was unfortunate that Anna felt unable to tell a soul, the one person she wanted to tell, needed to tell wouldn't listen to her, the man she still adored with every ounce of her being thought she was crazy and refused to talk to her anymore unless he wanted something of her. She couldn't tell Benny or Frida because they would tell Bjorn anyway and he'd hate her more besides she didn't want them to suffer Bjorn's ire, it was best for everyone this way. She had tried to talk to Stig in the forlorn hope that he would at least listen but as she had suspected he was far too invested in the tour next year, that was all he was really focused on and pretty much told her to pull herself together and stop worrying about inconsequential things, his opinion was that there was a flip side to fame and everyone suffered it occasionally this and she were nothing special. Anna was unsurprised at his attitude given his manner of signing them up for this tour in the very first place. It was funny she mused, here she was surrounded by people, in the biggest band in the world , with a husband and family she adored and yet she knew she'd never been more alone.
It turned out that she had never been more wrong when the second letter came.